Five months later...
Session Five - Lesson Five
Lesson five: You can't control who your heart chooses to love even if you wish you could...
"Ok Alicia that sounded great! I think we're done for the day." I smile brightly, gazing at her sitting at the piano in the recording booth. Who would have thought I'd be here working with Alicia Keys? I guess some good did come out of JC dragging me to Trace's birthday bash all those months ago...
"Cool, I knew I made a great choice when I chose you Claudine. Plus, Justin's album has been on fire these past few months. I can't go anywhere without hearing one of his songs on the radio or on television. It's been labeled as his best album to date and he has you and Tim to thank for that. I can't wait for when my own drops. You're gold girl, everything you touch turns to gold." Alicia smiles warmly for me as she grabs her belongings to exit the recording booth and all I can do is give her a tight lipped smile and nod in agreement.
If only she was right. Maybe everything I touch musically turns to gold but every guy I encounter turns to shit on impact. And you know what? I haven't thought or dwelled on anything these past few months and I don't intend on starting now. I do miss my best friend though; who I have to say is still there for me when I need him. We were able to put the things that happened behind us and move on with our friendship.
Jake really is a great guy. I sometimes wished he was older and didn't have a future of being buried head deep in science books for his chosen career but alas, that's not happening. He went off to begin his new semester at University two months ago and all we do is stay in touch by telephone now. It's cool that we can still keep in contact and find out how the other person's life is working out, but it's bad when we're in different parts of the world and the time difference is this huge gap.
For instance, I'm stuck here, in Amsterdam with Alicia working on her new album. The only reason why we're even here is because she's going to be shooting a new video for her single that's due on the airways in a few weeks. It's an amazingly beautiful country, but I miss home. I miss my own bed, my old dull life and...ok I'll say it. I miss Justin. It's really obvious too with the way I've been moping around these past two weeks.
I haven't seen him in over four months. He successfully kept to his word and completely cut himself out of my life when his album dropped. We barely made the deadlines but luckily for us, after pulling an all-nighter, we were able to get everything out in the nick of time. That night was the last I saw of him.
He didn't need me for all his promotional work, he had Tim. He didn't need me there for his album release party or his birthday party for that matter because he was preparing for tour during that time and he successfully managed to forget about me.
I didn't think he could do it. I honestly thought that he...well you know the look in his eyes said so much. But maybe I read it wrong. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part because after that night when we practically started having sex then stopped, the look of anguish in his orbs was so strong, I knew at that very moment that we both made a terrible mistake in that stupid game we were playing. I think his heart broke right in front of me that night and there was nothing I could do to stop it or mend it because I was the cause.
So it's what....five months later and the only time I ever see him is with his face plastered on the television screen and in magazines or billboards...even here in Amsterdam. It's sick, because I like that I can keep up to date with his life, but it hurts as well. It hurts because two weeks ago, he announced his relationship with this hot actress who just broke out in Hollywood. I can't even remember her name now. I just know that she's beautiful with long flowing raven hair and bright blue eyes, much like Justin's own. Plus, she's tall and has that model-type body, only with a lot more curves in all the right places.
Well you know, it was expected sooner or later and really I'm happy for him. I am. He can't be single forever.
I just wish I could forget about him. I wish I could forget about what we shared that day in the studio when we became one even for that brief moment. It felt right; it felt like that was where we both belonged...that we belonged to each other. But then it ended just as soon as it started.
This is so wrong. I just, I just wish I could...stop loving him. I don't know when it happened but it did, and when I finally realized it, he was already gone and it killed me. I cried so much...I felt so alone. I hated myself for ever getting into this with him. I hated every minute of it. But, I'm sort of happy we shared that short time together because I allowed my feelings to grow and I hate to say it but they're still growing even without him here. That's life I guess. It's unfair at times and sometimes there is nothing you can do to change it.
I just know that it's been two weeks since I learned from the media he was officially off the market and my heart hasn't stopped aching yet. It's this yearning I've been having for him, wishing he was there, wishing that we spent more time getting along than fighting and wishing that I could tell him how I feel because I never got the chance to. He's probably still living with the fact that I hate him and if that's the case, then it must have made his choice to let me go a lot easier.
Well it's too late now. I have no way of contacting him, he's now taken and even so, he's somewhere down in Australia for one of the legs of his tour. We're in two completely different parts of the world. I guess I just need to suck it up and get over myself...
"I'm going to head out girl, will you be ok? You seemed a little spaced out today." Alicia walks over to me, eyeing me intently and I wasn't even aware that she exited the recording booth already.
"I'm good. I'm just going to make a few adjustments to your vocals and then I'm done for the day." I smile warmly.
There's a skeptic look in her eyes as she glances at the time on her wrist watch. "Ok but get some rest. We're in here first thing tomorrow. I don't want my Producer suffering from fatigue." She half-jokes.
"I promise." I assure and she nods as she makes her way towards the door to leave. Flipping back her dark straight hair, she slings her red side bag which matches the red dress she's wearing over her shoulders as she turns to face me one last time.
"If it's a guy Claudine, he wasn't even worth it if he let a catch like you get away." A sympathetic smile graces her face seconds later as she opens the studio door to leave. Well I had no idea I was an open book but I guess I can't hide my feelings as well as I thought I could.
Nodding slightly, I feel my throat tighten by her words knowing that I was the one who maybe pushed Justin away and not the other way around. Still, we had no other option in the matter. Starting a relationship would not have worked at all.
Sighing softly, Alicia waves 'bye' to me and swiftly leaves the studio, shutting the door behind her.
Oh great, so it's just me now...alone...sitting here wallowing in my misery.
Like hell I am. I'll work on her vocals tomorrow instead.
Standing up, I quickly begin shutting down the various systems and equipments determined to head back over to my hotel for a nice long bubble bath so I can turn in early tonight. I'm used to the lonely peaceful nights now that Justin isn't around to argue with. I haven't drunk an ounce of alcohol since we parted ways either so something positive came out of this. I have to say though that I'd down a shot of tequila in the blink of an eye if it meant he was back here with me, making my life a living hell.
It's all wishful thinking now.
Gazing around at the large finely furnished studio, I inhale sharply as I try to clear my thoughts for the most part.
Grabbing my belongings, I fix my white blouse into the waist of my skin tight jeans before I move around to shut off the lights and lock up for the night.
Thank god for rentals because a taxi just won't cut it tonight with the state I'm in...
*****
Some time later...
Back at the hotel...
I got in a few minutes ago and I just entered my suite only to realize that I left the television running this entire time!? Oh no, I could have sworn I turned it off before I left this morning but I was such in a rush I obviously bypassed that task.
Sighing loudly, I drop my bag and keys unto a nearby table before I amble into the kitchenette to grab a bottle of water from the fridge.
I don't speak Dutch or any other language other than English, so not being able to read the contents of what I'm eating and drinking can be a little bothersome but I know water is universal. Last night I mistook sugar for salt when I was cooking up some rice so even if I never ate ‘sweet rice' before it was truly something new. I blame myself for not tasting the contents before I put them in.
Twisting the cap of the water bottle off, I instantly bring the bottle to my lips, taking a few large gulps. Damn, that feels good.
Discarding the water bottle soon after, I begin moving around, taking in the spacious hotel suite which is nothing out of the regular. It has a 'creamish' color scheme to it. There's a small dining area, a kitchenette, the bedroom area and the small living room which consists of a three-seat sofa and a small coffee table.
Oh which reminds me, the television.
Ambling into the living room, I gaze around noticing that the yellow lights are on and dimmed. The television is playing faintly in the background and I instantly look around for the remote.
Frowning, I walk up towards the sofa but suddenly stop dead in my tracks when I take in what appears to be a human form sprawled out on my sofa breathing deeply.
"What the hell?" Leaning slightly over to get a better view, my eyes widen in shock and I gasp when I make out the features of who is practically sound asleep on my sofa in my hotel suite.
"Justin!?" I scream at the top of my lungs, watching how he jumps up from sleep in fright, toppling over and landing with a loud thud on the carpeted floor.
Slapping my palms over my mouth, I reverse in shock while shaking my head in disbelief.
If I thought I was dreaming and he wasn't actually here, I would have laughed at his expense, but this is no dream and I'm wide awake.
My heartbeat instantly picks up, the harsh thumping against my ribcage causing me to inhale sharply.
Oh god, what happening now?
Reversing until my back is slammed against the wall, I continue to watch him in awe as he picks himself off the floor tiredly, wiping at his sleepy eyes.
"Jesus woman, did you have to scream like a banshee like that? You nearly gave me a heart attack." He whispers softly with his back facing me.
Nearly gave him a heart attack? He's the one in my hotel suite unannounced! How the hell did he even get in here? I refuse to believe that he charmed the receptionist into letting him in here though I'm pretty sure that's what he did.
Blinking rapidly, I hold my breath when he finally whips around to face me with a large grin on his face. His eyes widen slightly by the sight of me and the grin on his face spreads even wider, like that's even possible. He doesn't waste time examining me, his deep blues roaming over my frame before he locks eyes with me finally, a hint of curiosity twinkling behind his orbs.
"You look amazing Claudine." He says softly, staring intensely into my deep browns. "You cut your hair, but it's still cute." He points out my obvious hair cut where my hair is barely touching my shoulders now. It's not extreme but it's still noticeable.
And I'm still just there standing and staring with my hand still covering my mouth. I'm frozen solid in place as Justin moves around the sofa to approach me.
He looks the same to me, but then again I've been able to keep up with his subtle yet apparent physical changes. His hair has a lighter golden blonde color to it than usual, and it's long enough where the ends are slightly curling. His beard is light and shaped perfectly and I'm guessing he's wearing contacts because his blues are darker than usual. He has on some dark William Rast jeans and a blue plain t-shirt and by the drained look on his face, I'd say he just got off a plane not too long ago...
"I know this is sudden and unexpected but uh I needed to come see you. I hope that's ok and you're not too angry with my uninvited visit." He explains, finally walking up to me close enough for me to feel his body heat and dear god this is torture.
Dropping my hands to my side, I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out as I glance up at him.
I can't believe he's here.
Wait, why is he here?
"Cat got your tongue?" Justin chuckles lightly. Dipping his head to take in my expressions, a small frown forms on his face. "I've missed you Claudine and I know you maybe hate me for showing up like this but I just..." Drifting off, he inhales deeply before stuffing his hands in his pockets and taking a step back. Chuckling nervously, his eyes dart around the room briefly before they resume their position on me. "Aren't you going to say anything?" He inquires.
Yes, I love you... "What are you doing here?" Or that could work too.
"I told you I came to..."
"But why are you here?" Ok, I'm not sure why I'm being so curt but I mean I need to get over the fact that he's here when he should be on tour in Australia. Has he lost his damn mind?
"I've missed you." He says shyly with a hint of pain in his tone as he turns his head away from me. "If you don't want me here just say so and I'll leave." Pulling his hands out of his pockets, he swipes his palms over his hair before he scratches under his stubble. The moment he makes a move to leave, I rush up to him, grabbing his arm to stop him, the instant physical contact sending shivers down my spine as heat fills my entire body.
I think he feels it too because he shudders and expels air from his lungs harshly as his body relaxes under my touch. "No don't go. I've missed you too." I whisper, watching how his eyes gloss over as he looks down at me.
And without saying anything else, he easily closes the gap between us, engulfing me in a tight hug. Wrapping my arms around him, I allow him to hold on to me as he buries his head in the crook of my neck, taking in deep breaths. Shutting my eyes, I get lost in his scent of cologne mixed with soap. I really have missed him, but I can't do this.
When I whimper, Justin pulls away to look at me with concern in his eyes. "What's wrong?" He asks, wiping under my eyes when a few tears unwillingly escape.
God, life is so fucking unfair!
"Nothing." I try to move away but he tightens his hold on my waist keeping me in place.
"You've gone from shock to tears Claudine. It's something." He points out and I sigh because obviously it's something! It's him! It's him being here right now with me when I least expected it...after...after five fucking months! Why after all this time?
Rooting myself out of his hold, I stumble back a bit noting the dejected expression on his face by my movements.
"After all this! After everything, after five months Justin what the fuck are you doing here in Amsterdam when you're supposed to be in Australia on tour? Huh?" I snap and his eyes widen in astonishment.
"You know where I'm supposed to be? You've been following my schedule?" He says with a hint of surprise in his voice.
"That's besides the point. How did you cancel your tour dates to be here?" I inquire.
"I...uh...I didn't?" He rubs the back of his neck nervously and I'm having a hard time believing that.
"You're telling me you just suddenly up and said, damn I miss Claudine and decided to hop on a damn plane out here?" I ask incredulously and he's looking at me like some young boy who got caught doing something he's not supposed to be doing.
"A private jet actually, but yeah pretty much." He shrugs, taking a step towards me but I take one back. "I wanted to see you Claudine. Is that a crime? I'm sure you see me all the time on television. Unfortunately for me, I don't have that privilege when it comes to you and it finally drove me crazy to the point where I was ready to rip my hair out. I had to do something about it." He tries to explain but I can suddenly feel my anger building.
He just thinks that he can pop in whenever he wants to satisfy his ailments and it's ok? It's not ok. He can't just show up when he wants thinking I'll be readily available to him. I'm not his producer anymore...I'm not his anything as a matter of fact.
"You can't just show up on a whim Justin. What if...what if I brought company over?" I suggest and I watch as his face contorts in displeasure, his orbs searching mine.
"I...I don't know. I'm sorry." Bowing his head, he pinches the bridge of his nose and I'm wondering why he's so pensive and even somber like this. This isn't like him.
Sighing, I walk up to him, gently passing my hands over his cheek causing him to look at me longingly. "Justin, it's been five months. You can understand that this is very weird."
"It doesn't have to be." He breathes out, gripping my hand with his to place my palms flat across his chest. I can feel his rigorous heartbeat against his firm chest and I know he wants me to feel what I'm doing to him but I just can't do this...not again.
"What about your girlfriend?" I painfully force out, realizing that he's not even single to be doing this craziness like flying out to Amsterdam to see me. What would his precious girlfriend think?
He instantly tenses when I say that. What he thinks I didn't know? He's everywhere! Of course I know!
"Uh I don't..."
"Don't lie to me Justin. Remember who's the celebrity here." I point out and he nods slightly before narrowing his eyes at me like he's done so many times in the past.
"You're well on your way to obtaining the curse too you know."
"I didn't know being a celeb was a curse. Don't change the topic Justin. Your girlfriend would be pissed if she knew what you pulled. I'm betting your entire tour crew, bodyguards and manager are flipping out right now."
"Well, Lonnie is here with me, but other than him, I'm pretty sure the rest are going crazy with my disappearance. I had to bribe Lonnie not to talk. I'll be back soon. I'm leaving tomorrow night. I'll only miss one show. I'll be sure to have a makeup concert and give refunds."
He makes it seem so easy but I know those people are shitting their pants now that their superstar is on a different continent without informing them. He's throwing his entire tour off balance by doing this. He really is crazy.
Pouting, I shake my head before he continues speaking. "And uh, I would be in trouble if I still had a girlfriend but after I've called her 'Claudine' like countless times in the past few weeks I can understand if she doesn't want to continue this with me since my heart is somewhere else clearly..." He says this lowly with a light smile on his face and I'm just staring at him blankly.
"You didn't." I can't help but smile myself because I'm sure she gave him shit for that slip up.
"She hates me. It's the shortest relationship I've ever been in. Besides, I called her that even before we got together and she never called me out for it. I guess when we were together she expected differently, I don't know..." He's laughing now and I can't help but giggle. That's just cruel. Oh god, all of this is too bizarre but then if any part of this encounter was normal I'd be worried.
"Unbelievable." I mutter as Justin snakes his hands around my waist, pulling me into him.
"No, what's unbelievable is that I'm actually here with you and even after five months I can't stop loving you." His tone is soft and fades into a whisper as he connects our foreheads together and I have to say that I agree. Maybe this isn't so bad? Maybe this was meant to happen right?
Maybe...
Maybe I can tell him now.
"I know what you mean; I feel the same way."
That caught his attention. He's looking at me with wide eyes like I just said the world was coming to an end or something.
"What?!"
Smiling, I lean up and peck his lips lightly, feeling his fingers dig into my sides before I pull away to look at him. "I love you too Justin. I have for a while now." Giving him a shy grin, I giggle when he breathes a sigh of relief.
"I knew I couldn't have been that off with reading you." He chuckles and I smack his chest lightly while relaxing in his hold.
"Yeah...wow...this is surreal." I state and he hums in agreement. "So what now?" I enquire noting how he gets lost in thought.
"I don't know Claudine. Do you really think we could make this work?" He inquires and do I really think that? I'm not sure.
"We could try. I mean we haven't argued yet. This is a new record for us."
"Yeah." He laughs out. "I think we might make it yet. Besides, I'm not going to be able to see you with anyone else so you're stuck with me babe." He says overconfidently.
"Whatever ‘the boss'." I mock him, remembering how all of this started.
"So, I guess that makes you ‘misses boss' huh? Since we're alike and all that."
"I guess that makes you insane." I giggle and he scowls but smiles nonetheless before he leans down, pausing briefly to whisper ‘I love you' before connecting his soft pink lips to mine.
I gladly welcome the gesture, feeling my entire body set on fire. God I've missed this...all of this. And I've certainly missed him. I'm happy he showed up here because heaven knows I would have never had the balls to do what he did.
Still, he's here now and that's all that matters.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pull him in deepening the kiss, loving his hums of approval. He lets out a throaty growl before pushing me backwards until I'm glued against the wall, his hands softly massaging my sides.
Ok, so me and Justin in a relationship is going to be challenging but, I'm willing to try and withstand the good and bad times that will come our way. I'm just happy that it's with him and that we didn't walk out of each other's lives forever.
Moaning into the kiss when his tongue skillfully battles with mine, I allow myself to get lost in his touch, his kiss, his body heat mixed with mine and just his presence on a whole. I don't want to be anywhere else but here right now.
When our kisses become more intense and desirable I forcefully pull away to gaze at Justin, noting how his lips are already slightly swollen.
"Justin..." I whisper, causing him to eye me lazily.
"Hmmm...."
"Make love to me...now." I smile bashfully as my cheeks redden slightly because I never pictured myself saying anything like this to him. Still, it feels right and I think it's about time we killed the crazy sexual tension that's been building between us. The first time didn't count, but now...now will count.
"Are you sure?" There's hesitancy in his voice though he seems to be excited about this.
"Yes." I coo.
Just as I utter my answer a shrilling sound goes off and I realize that it's his cell phone. Pulling the device out of his pocket, he looks at the caller ID and frowns before he shuts the phone off completely ignoring the call, tossing it on the sofa.
"I think I can be killed later by my management team and crew for pulling the stunt I did. But right now, we have a game to put to a close...we have unfinished business babe..." He chuckles and I laugh out because he's crazy if he thinks we're still playing this never ending game. I know he's joking but still, it makes things interesting so I accept his challenge.
"Who wears who out first?" I say playfully and he wriggles his eyebrows.
"Oh now you're talking. I'm jet lagged and you're drained from being in the studio with Alicia whole day. I think we're evenly matched for that." There's amusement shining through his beautiful orbs because he knows that I'm surprised that he knows my schedule. That little stalker. Not that I wasn't doing the same, but the media made it ‘ok' for me to do.
"You're on hotshot." I smile, gripping his shirt to push him back and pull him with me towards the bedroom.
Allowing me to handle him, he grips my waist to steady his self as a mischievous grin spreads across his face. "Ok, but if I win I'm crowned the ‘ultimate boss.' And you have to do anything I ask you to do for an entire week." He points out and I scoff.
"Ok, but if I win, you admit that you've wanted me the very first day we met in Johnny's office."
"That's too easy, and your answer is hell yeah!"
Shaking my head in disbelief, I continue to haul him towards the bedroom stopping at the entrance to look up at him. "And, you do whatever I ask you to do for an entire week." I point out and he lets out a deep throaty growl in anticipation. Judging by the growing bulge in his jeans, I'd say he's already immensely turned on just like I am.
Arching a brow in interest, he darts out his tongue to lick his lips sensually before he starts undressing me with his eyes. "Deal..."
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