Session Four - Lesson Four
Two days later...
Monday...
"I can't keep doing this with her anymore." I sigh exasperatingly while rubbing at my stubble and then head in an attempt to clear my mind.
"What do you mean you can't? She's a bitch remember? A whiny, bossy little bitch who's given you shit since the very first day you guys were paired together to work on your album."
Scowling, I look over at my best friend who's leaning against the table next to the soundboard. He just doesn't get it. I watch as he fixes his gray cap then tugs on his light gray t-shirt. Shit, he's so clueless. Even I don't know what's happening right now.
"I fucking know that!" I growl angrily. I'm not getting soft. I'm...I'm not fucking losing this game or whatever the hell this is.
"Then what's the issue here Justin?" Trace inquires while folding his arms across his chest and eyeing me suspiciously. I really hate his accusatory stare. It's unnerving and downright creepy since it's coming from him.
"God damn it T! I don't know...give me a minute to get my thoughts together." Standing from the large leather chair in front of the soundboard, I smooth my hands over my plain white t-shirt and then dark jeans.
I don't want to tell him. I don't want to say it because then it would be true and really, I've gone months without thinking about anything remotely close to the fact that....that my reaction on Saturday when I saw Claudine kissing that fucking kid had anything to do with unresolved feelings I might have towards her.
I've gone months without contemplating what it would be like if she and I weren't always down each other's throats but instead got along. Shit, I've gone months without...without even feeling slightly attracted to her in any way because I was so caught up with her being a bitch but now...now I'm not so sure anymore and it's literally killing me inside.
I'm having this internal battle or emotional meltdown or something and my friend is right here witnessing it. I need to pull my shit together before Claudine and Tim get here. I can't have her rubbing anything in my face.
You'd think I'd be waiting for her to show up here so I could gloat. You'd think I'd be waiting for her so I could boast about how pissy and intoxicated she was at Trace's party Saturday night but I'm not. I can't do any of those things because I'm fucking terrified of what I might see, or even feel for that matter when she walks through those doors of the recording studio.
And can you believe that when I got back to the party Saturday night and told Trace what happened he laughed? He literally laughed in my face and said I was sprung and I needed to get my head checked out by a psychologist. Some friend huh? Well, you know, maybe he's right. Maybe I do need to check on that because I'm acting crazy. I hate her right? I do. I mean what's there not to hate?
But shit, she was...she was looking so damn amazing in her little skirt and tube top Saturday night. Saturday...I hate that day now...I'm never going to forget how everything changed for me on that day...how the universe shifted and I saw my fucking producer in a whole new light. I actually cared about what happened to her. That's some shit right there.
I think when I overcame my initial shock that it was her making out with that Blake guy or whatever she said his name was, my emotions literally took a spin I was not expecting. I mean, I wasn't expecting to be angry; I wasn't expecting to haul her away like I did; I wasn't expecting that when we were alone in the game room my heart would be beating out of my chest threatening to explode from how fucking close we were; I wasn't expecting to be fucking jealous that another guy was touching her in a way I never did and maybe never would and I certainly wasn't expecting her to come on to me like she did.
You know, what shocked me even more was the fact that if JC hadn't interrupted when he did, I'm pretty sure my resolve would have cracked and I would have taken her right there, ignoring the consequences we'd both have to face afterwards. I just didn't care at the moment. I mean, I nearly lost our little game and I. Never. Lose.
All I saw was her...her bright brown eyes, full soft lips, long flowing dark locks and smooth light caramel face. Shit!
"You're falling for her aren't you?"
Snapping out of my thoughts, I glare at Trace in bewilderment. When I don't immediately respond he chuckles heartily.
"I know you Justin. I know that look in your eyes too. Plus, it's the only explanation to your sudden mood swap. You're falling for her, or you've already fallen or something. I'm not sure when it happened, but during the months of you two hating each other and shit, you fell hard and it's screwing with you because you're fighting it." He's giving me a sly smile, a knowing smile like I'm an open book to him. Maybe I am, but I refuse to believe what he just said.
I mean shit, the woman may be fine, but she's still a force to be reckoned with. She's still Claudine Diggans. Nothing is going to change that. No, Trace is wrong...
"Na man, you're so fucking off right now." I laugh nervously because for some strange reason I'm actually considering what he just said. That cannot be a good sign.
"I'm just saying...maybe you should..." He pauses, glowering at me, reading my expressions and I feel like I'm on some chopping block. He knows me too well. Sometimes I really hate him for it, and other times I'm grateful that I have a best friend who understands me.
Expelling air from his lungs loudly, he rubs under his chin before he pushes himself off the table to come over to where I'm standing like some lost puppy who can't find its way home and I'm waiting for him to finish his statement...anticipating it even.
"Just talk to her Justin. I only know what you've told me about her. You've made me hate her because well you're my best friend and if you say she's a bitch I'll agree with you without bothering to know her myself. Now, I don't know her personally but I've given her shit because of you. There is no doubt that I have your back, but if she's managed to get under your skin then, maybe you need to rethink this little game you two are playing before someone actually gets hurt. I don't know what's going on with the woman, but you're my friend and I know you. I know you have feelings for her. I'm not sure how deep they go because you're obviously fighting it, but this can't be healthy man." Patting my shoulder, Trace gives me a sympathetic smile and I scoff.
That's it? That's his grand advice? Talk to her?! Does he not know that is why we don't get along?! There's a breech in our communication. Shit, what does he know? He sounds just like JC now who constantly lectures me about Claudine whenever I talk to him. I can't help it that I go on and on about her and what a pain in my ass she's become. It's true...well most of it. Josh must have the ability to see right through me like glass the same way Trace does because he told me more less the same thing. Those assholes...what do they know?
"Whatever T, you're tripping..." I brush him off, determined to not dwell on this, but then the door to the studio room swings open and just like that our conversation is cut short.
I frown when a light smile forms on Trace's lips by the sight of Claudine as soon as she greets us. He's never been anywhere close to pleasant with her before.
Whipping around to face her, my frown deepens when I take in her form. Shit, she looks terrible, much like I remember her looking before she pulled her little stunt last week.
And what do you know? She even listened to me and dressed down in her regular jeans, a baggy dark blue t-shirt and no makeup on with flats on her feet. Plus, her hair looks a mess as it falls around her face...obviously she didn't untangle it this morning. Now that's the Claudine I can deal with and resist. Not the little sex kitten she became over the past weekend. That Claudine was on the verge of giving me blue balls...
"Oh hey girl. Well you know, I just stopped by to check on my boy but I was just leaving so you two can...get to...you know, doing whatever it is you do in here." Smirking at his choice of words, I watch Trace as he swiftly makes his exit out the door of the studio, telling me a quick ‘bye' before he disappears out of sight.
Well shit, that was beyond speedy but I guess he doesn't want to be around our dysfunctional asses.
So, we're alone now and Claudine is giving me this bemused look as she turns to give the now closed door one last glance.
"Ok, is it just me, or was Trace slightly nice with me today?" Giggling, she shakes her head in amusement but I don't even crack a smile as I continue to look at her, studying her lingered movements as she places down her keys next to the soundboard and begins powering up the systems.
"You look terrible." I blurt out suddenly, cringing when I see her tense before she whips around to face me, her brows knitting in aggravation. "You know...I mean..." I drift, not even knowing what I'm trying to say now...god what's wrong with me?
"Thank you Justin. I'm aware of that. And, really, it's too early in the day for us to do this." She spits out before her attention is diverted elsewhere.
She yawns lightly afterwards and pulls back the chair to sit down and I'm still just gazing at her...taking in her features and how shockingly different she looks today. It's only now that I'm realizing the bags under her eyes and how pale her complexion is. She looks drained. She couldn't possibly still be hung over because she had all of yesterday to recuperate so what the hell is wrong now? She can't come in here like this. We won't get any work done.
"We won't get any work done with you like this today." I voice, pulling up a chair to sit next to her, facing her.
Spinning around in my direction, she rolls her eyes before hitting the play button on the studio keyboard that's connected to the pc, monitors and soundboard. The beat to the new track I'm supposed to be recording instantly filters through the speakers and she easily lowers the volume before pushing back in her seat, barely acknowledging me. Typical Claudine.
"Shouldn't you be in the recording booth with your headphones on ready to record? The sooner we get this done, the sooner we don't have to be around each other." She points out and I'm still just glaring completely in awe...
"Shouldn't you have taken midol for your cramps before you came in here all bitchy today? Then maybe we wouldn't be having this conversation." I wisecrack. "But seriously, what is wrong with you?" I ask softly, wondering why I even care.
"You wanted me back here to my regular old self, well you got it, so why are you complaining now?" She snaps and wow, what? "What, you want to rub in my face what happened Saturday night Justin? Is that it? Well don't bother, I already know remember?"
"Hold on, you were the one who started all of this. You were the one who felt you had some point to prove." She's serious right now? Fuck me. "I was just being honest, you do look terrible today. I'm asking you what's wrong nicely because I'm actually concerned and you're eating me out for it?" I point out before standing to move away from her. Are you shitting me? I can't do this right now with her. I'd maybe strangle her or something.
"Oh please, like you give a shit. You're maybe smiling, laughing on the inside even with how I seem to be now. You're just loving this aren't you? You're such a fucking asshole. You think you've won huh? Don't worry, just let me get my shit together and get over Trace's fucking party and I'll be back full force." Groaning, she stands to face me, walking over to me, jacking me roughly in the chest. What the hell? "Now go on...get in there and sing your little heart out, you spoilt ungrateful celebrity bastard..."
"Claudine wha..." But I'm cut short when she jacks me roughly again, causing my back to slam against the door of the recording booth.
"What are you waiting for Justin? Get in there...do what you do best and just leave me the fuck alone!" She screams out.
My eyes widen in shock, wondering if I should stay here or make a mad dash for the exit. Is she having some type of power trip or breakdown or she's finally cracked? Maybe she's on crack? I don't know.
I do know she's tripping.
"Woman would you stop acting crazy?!" I yell, gripping her wrists tightly when she moves to shove me again. She's lost her mind, I'm positive of it. Tightening my hold on her, she struggles against my grip but I'm not letting her go, not until she calms down and tells me what the fuck is her issue. "Are you insane? What the hell are you doing? How can you just...just jack me like that? Don't you know I could break you in half?" I growl angrily, feeling my heartbeat pick up.
"Fuck you Justin! Fuck you!" She belts, still trying to get out of my grasp and I'm so lost right now. I have no clue what's happening and why she's suddenly being like some crazed psychopath with her tantrum.
"Oh my god, just calm down Claudine! All I asked was what was wrong with you!" I'm trying to keep my temper down mostly because her smooth face is turning ten shades of red now and the both of us losing our temper in here is a big no-no.
"You're my problem Justin! You're what's wrong with me! You! No one else but you...you jerk!" Forcefully pulling away from me she breaks free, stumbling back, her chest raising and falling as she gasps for air. "Because of you I have a fucking drinking problem!" She points her finger at me in accusation with anger seeping out of her bright browns.
"Wow..." I mutter in a state of shock. "What!?" I shake my head in disbelief, trying to make sense of what she just said.
"It's you! I tried...I tried so fucking hard but it didn't work. As if dealing with you here in the studio wasn't bad enough, I had to meet you at your best friend's party because JC thought it would be good for me to have some fun, but he was wrong. Had I known it was Trace's party, I would not have been even a mile near his estate. It was a fucking nightmare! And I'm not going to lie, I remember what happened and I'm fucking sick and disgusted and embarrassed that I didn't have a little more self control because I was intoxicated but that's no excuse..."
I tune her out momentarily, thinking that I need to have a word with JC when this is over. I'm thinking he knows shit that I don't. Plus, him meeting her at a club? That's intriguing me to no end. What was she even doing there? I bet she was with that kid Zack or whatever...I hate the guy and I don't even know him.
"I mean I knew what I was doing but I couldn't stop myself because you...you're...you're so...I mean why did you have to be you? Why did it have to be you Justin? Of all the artists in the world, why did I have to get you? I can't even quit; I can't even walk away because I signed a damn contract. You've successfully screwed me over. There I said it. Are you happy now? You won, you fucked me up. I hate you for it. I couldn't even have a good day yesterday without you consuming my thoughts...driving me crazy because I have to deal with your ass on a regular basis and take all your shit and just brush it off because of your status. You can be the world's biggest callous asshole and people will still love you. You can get away with anything and no one will call you out for it, but if I even criticize you in any way, the entire entertainment industry will be up my ass so fast and your fans would hate me. It's too much pressure...it's too much fucking pressure and you're not helping!" Making hand gestures, she scowls at me when she realizes that I spaced out for a bit. But I caught what she just said and I'm curious... "Get out of my fucking head Justin; you're driving me up the wall! I can't even...god!"
She makes no sense now, plus her hands are flailing and seriously, I would laugh in her face if I didn't think it would enrage her more.
Inhaling deeply, I close the gap between us, looking down at her, the significant difference in our height apparent since she's wearing flats again. "Claudine..." I sigh softly. "What are you even talking about now? You're morphing into the psycho crazy bitch now too?" I can't help it. I can't fucking help it. She gets to me easily and it's sick. But for her to stand there and make me out to be some type of monster and blame me for all of her problems is just flat out wrong and I'm drawing the line there.
"Yes. Is that what you want to hear? Yes! Fuck what happened Saturday night. I've had a day to think and I've realized how ridiculous I was being about all of this. I was willing to degrade myself to prove a point to you that didn't need proving. You are and will always be Justin and I just need to accept that. But guess what? I quit. Go ahead and slap me with a lawsuit, I don't give a shit. But to spend one more day with your ass is signing my death warrant because I swear I will drive off a goddamn bridge or something and maybe take you with me." Shaking her head sadly, I watch as her eyes gloss over, and maybe I should sort of feel sorry or maybe apologize? I mean I had no idea I did that much to her from simply being a jackass towards her.
But no, I'm not going to do it. I won't do it because believe it or not, what she just said actually hurt. Where does she get off talking to me like that? And she's quitting? She can't quit! Tim would kill me if he knew I was the cause. Why is she such a drama queen?! It's not that bad.
Narrowing my eyes into tiny slits at her, I jeer loudly, my temper finally reaching its breaking point. "You want to know what I think Claudine? I think you're being like this...like the fucking victim because you didn't get what you wanted Saturday night and it's killing you." I say crudely and her eyes widen in offence.
"Wha...what?" She stutters in shock.
Leaning forward, I stare at her in irritation, knowing what I'm about to say might be a little too harsh but not caring enough to stop myself. "You wanted me to shove my dick up your little pussy and because I rejected you, you're being like one of those revenge seeking dick-hungry bitches!" I crack out, watching her gasp as her mouth gapes open.
"How dare you...you ass!"
And just like that a deafening silence takes over. The only sound that's heard is the connection of her palm to my cheek because she just slapped me.
She just smacked me right across the cheek and I didn't even see it coming. Goddamn that shit hurts. Rubbing my cheek lightly I grip under my chin, adjusting my jaw to rid myself of the pain.
She's standing there, heaving, blinking rapidly and I'm almost certain she's about to cry. Damn it! But she fucking smacked me! No one and I mean no one, not even my mother slaps me. She's lucky my mother raised me right else she'd be down, knocked out cold right now for doing what she just did.
A small, vengeful smile begins twitching into the corners of my mouth as I glare at her incredulously. I can't believe she just hit me.
Slapping her palms over her mouth in shock, her orbs widen when she realizes what she just did. You don't just go around hitting people, especially me, without facing the consequences.
"Oh my god...Justin...I...I'm..."
But I cut her off, grabbing her shoulders roughly to pull her into me before I grip her hands tightly. Searching her eyes for a split second, I brush off her perplexed stare and without having any rational thoughts I lean down, crashing my lips against hers roughly, forcefully and full of rage.
This is what she wanted right? Maybe if I give it to her then she wouldn't be so uptight anymore. That's why she slapped me isn't it? Yeah, I don't give a damn right now.
Gripping a chunk of my t-shirt, Claudine gasps loudly when I deepen our kiss, snaking my tongue into her mouth without her consent. She's pushing at my chest, lightly hitting my abs but I'm ignoring her. Taking a step forward, I push her to walk backwards until she's slammed up against the wall right next to the midi keyboard that's connected to the pc.
Pressing my body firmly against hers, her cries of protest remain muffled by our lip-lock but her struggling slowly subsides until her hands fall limp to her sides and her cries fade into deep moans.
You see...I knew I had a fucking effect on her. I knew I could have her if I wanted to. I never lose...not ever, no matter what the circumstance. That thought causes me to smile into the kiss and before I can even maintain control of the situation, Claudine's arms are instantly wrapped around my neck, pulling me in closer, sucking me in like a fucking vacuum. Goddamn...
Gripping her waist tightly through her t-shirt, I groan involuntarily when her knee grazes my already growing arousal. Shit, is it wrong that she still turns me on even if she looks like she just rolled out of bed and came straight here?
Hearing her little sexy moans is driving me insane right now with the intense heat radiating between us. I don't even know what I'm doing but fuck it really. Grabbing her roughly by the hips I pull her forward and in one swift motion, I hoist her up to sit on the edge of the table next to the soundboard before I nestle between her legs, never once breaking our intense kiss.
She's moaning and groping at me through my shirt, pushing and rubbing her chest against mine, letting me feel how erect her nipples are through her shirt.
Fuck, this is wrong. I know somewhere deep down inside, this is wrong. But I don't feel like digging deep right now so...finally pulling away from her, our mouths make a light smacking sound when I end the kiss, my eyes wide and searching her glossy browns. Inhaling deeply to calm my nerves and heart rate, I open my mouth to speak but she silences me by placing her finger against my lips.
"Justin...don't ruin this..." She whispers softly and by the look in her eyes right now, I already know what she's thinking. She's completely let her guard down and allowed her desire to take over. I'd maybe go along with this but...
"You're willing to lose and throw everything you tried to prove to me away?" I have to ask, especially after what just happened.
Frowning, she pulls me forward, eying me intently before she cracks out into a small shy smile. "I told you before...fuck it...I don't care anymore...you win whatever just..." And her statement is cut short because she just captured my lips again into another lust-filled kiss.
Sighing, I hold onto her, allowing her to lead as my mind begins riling. She's just giving up? First she curses me out and tells me to fuck off and now she wants me to fuck her? This is all too bizarre for me really. I should be ecstatic that victory is just around the corner and is coming so easy but...
"Damn girl..." I hiss, when one of Claudine's hands snake down to grip my almost fully solid dick through my jeans.
Pushing back, she looks down to where her hand is massaging me and I'm fighting to keep my composure because all I can think of right now is ripping her clothes off and fucking her right next to the soundboard. Now that would be a hell of a way to make music.
"Take those off." She points out breathlessly, already unbuckling my belt, jeans and pulling down my zipper.
Chuckling, I'm just standing there, watching her, delving in how beautiful she still manages to look even without makeup.
"A little eager?" I smirk and she groans but still smiles.
"Don't make me change my mind Justin; don't make me think." She warns and I frown, but I don't say anything else as she slicks her hands underneath my t-shirt to feel my bare abs before she hops off the table and pulls me towards her.
Tensing, I feel a wave of goosebumps take over my body from her delicate touch, her palms like fire against my skin. Dropping her hands, she unpins her own jeans and allows it to fall to the floor, stepping out of it before she moves over to the studio door and locks it.
Coming back over to me, she gazes into my curious blues with a look of amusement twinkling through her gorgeous deep browns. I can practically feel myself being pulled in by them. In fact, it's so intense that I have to look away from her. "Why don't you want to think about what we're doing now..."
"Because then I'll change my mind...come on." Grabbing my hand, she moves back over to the table and hops up again, pulling me between her legs.
Resting my palms flat on the table on either side of her body, I glare at her interestingly, feeling a strange tug on my emotions that's actually fighting with me to stop this and resist her. Shit...I...
"Claudine I..."
"Shhh...shut up Justin...please." She begs, her eyes glowing with uncertainty and I won't lie, I feel the same way. I don't even know what the fuck this is anymore. I have no clue how we really, actually ended up here and what's happening now. Are we still playing a game? If so, it's really starting to mess with my reality.
"Just kiss me." She coos, and I oblige, leaning forward to connect my lips with hers, relishing in how soft and full her lips are. I could get addicted to this... just kissing her...she's that sweet I swear it. Lifting one of my hands, I snake it under her shirt to cup her full breast in my palm and I begin playing with her nipple through her bra, feeling her shudder against my touch.
She dips her hand into my jeans and boxers to grip me, the warmth of her palm against my bare flesh driving me crazy. Groaning, I forcefully pull away from her lips when she easily pulls me out of my confinements, gluing our bodies together and guiding me where she wants me to be.
"Claudine ..." I whisper in a slight haze because she's...shit...she's slowly stroking me, rubbing the tip of my head against her panties that are already moist and really, they're the only barrier between us right now. "Shit." I swallow hard, casting my vision south to look at what she's doing to me, torturing me. Blinking a few times, I look back up at her and she's smiling shyly and unsurely. It's cute...she's actually...I actually thought that was cute. I've never thought anything like that about her before.
Gripping her hands to stop her, I smile and lean forward, pecking her lips softly before I whisper in her ears. "Here let me sugar..."
Raising her arms to wrap around my neck, I pull her to the edge of the table, fixing her legs and wrapping them snuggly around my waist before I use one of my free hands to push aside her panties, my vision fixated on her bare and shaven pussy. Gulping down hard, I lick my lips, my heartbeat now rigorous and pounding against my ribcage in anticipation.
Shit, I can't believe we're about to...I mean fuck...this is Claudine we're talking about. This isn't supposed to happen.
Flicking her folds and massaging her bud with my fingertips causes her to let out a guttural moan. Using that as my cue, I stroke my head a few more times before I position myself at her entrance, applying a little pressure so she can feel me pulsing against her.
Dropping her head against my shoulder she gasps, heaving for air as her grip on me tightens. "Fuck...Justin please..." She begs and not able to control myself any longer, I begin pushing into her, slowly, determined to relish in our connection and take everything in...every contraction her walls make around me, every deep breath she takes and every moan that leaves her full velvety lips.
"Oh my god." Claudine gasps and oh my god is fucking right. Jesus, when was the last time she had sex?
"Goddamn you're tight." I groan, because I'm fucking suffocating already, as I continue pushing my way in, finally stopping when I can't go any further.
I pause for a moment, allowing her to get use to my size because I know if I start off thrusting immediately it's going to hurt her.
"Shit...this is...insane." I breathe out, because really, we're doing this in the fucking studio and Tim is supposed to be coming in at any minute. We're fucking crazy.
"I know, but look on the bright side...the door is locked so..." But she drifts off, her voice fading into a moan when I pull out and thrust back into her, holding her waist in place. I feel like my entire body is on fire as I'm seriously having some fucking emotional battle with myself right now because I...I actually feel guilty. Why do I feel so guilty?
Sighing, Claudine's browns pierce my blues, her stare masked by a mixture of emotions I can't indentify or maybe I don't want to. "I...you won Justin. But it's ok, I...I don't mind." She forces out softly, dejectedly and that's all it takes for shock to register in my system.
All my actions come to a complete halt as I continue to glare at her, studying her. She's staring back in perplexity as her grip around me tightens slightly but no...no.
Pulling her hands from around my neck, I push back a little, still buried deep inside of her, my will power to pull out practically non-existent right now but for some strange reason I find the courage to do it anyway. I'm probably going to kick myself in the ass afterwards for doing this.
She whimpers from our loss of contact, but really, I'm still in shock right now and you wouldn't even believe why.
"Why did you..." But I silence her before unwrapping her legs form around my waist and stepping away from her.
"I can't do this." I choke out, gazing at my erection and already feeling that dull pain due to a lack of release when I tuck myself back into my boxers and zip up my jeans. Groaning slightly, I grip my crotch to adjust myself as Claudine hops off the table and walks over to me. The shirt she's wearing is long and practically fits her like a short dress with only part of her thighs and legs exposed.
"Justin what's wrong? Don't you want to do this? Isn't this what you want!?" Her voice rises in aggravation and I know it's the sexual frustration talking. Let's face it, the real Claudine would have never let me go this far. So now I'm curious. I'm curious as to why she allowed this much to happen.
"Look Claudine, you and I both know that..."
"Oh shut the fuck up Justin! Would you make up your mind? You won! You won and now you don't want to?" She inquires incredulously and as much as I'm in physical pain right now because I just know I'll get blue balls after this, there's another type of pain that's taking over and it's scaring the shit out of me.
"No we weren't playing that game anymore remember?" I point out.
"Oh please, yes we were. It's just that it was over because you fucking won. You got to me...you infiltrated me and broke down my walls, but that's ok. What's the point right? If you can't beat them join them right?"
She's so cold, so unfeeling and uncaring. It's like she just doesn't give a shit anymore. That's a little disturbing.
"Claudine, look at what we've resorted to. I thought I could do it but I just....I can't." I sigh, avoiding eye contact with her as I scratch at my light stubble in thought.
"Oh stop being such a baby." She hisses and I scowl. "You fucking want me and I'm letting you have me so what's the big deal now? Frankly, I'm tired of us arguing. If we can just get this over with then we won't be down each other's throats and we can maybe finish your album in peace then move on with our lives." She snaps, her words cutting through me like knives.
Astonishment registers on my face causing her to arch a brow in question at me. So that's it huh? She's just doing this as some last resort, as some space filler to get us through the rest of our recording sessions? None of this means shit to her does it? She's just still playing her fucking game and trying to prove whatever point she wants to get across now. I was right...she really is a bitch.
"You just don't fucking get it Claudine! If that's what you think then no one fucking won and this game was ridiculous in the first place." I spit out, shocking her and myself for that matter. "We've both totally lost it, especially me because I actually thought... I mean, I wanted to kill that kid you were with Saturday night and I don't even know why." I lie. I know why, but I'm not going to tell her.
"What? What are you even talking about Justin? Look just forget it. You won, game over..."
"No! You stupid bit..." But I catch myself, trying to suppress my anger as I glare at her in detest. Why is she screwing with me like this?
Inhaling sharply, I shake my head, deciding to do the mature thing for once. I watch as she puts back on her jeans and I groan softly, remembering what it felt like just minutes ago to be connected to her in the most intimate way. We really are sick and twisted.
Sighing, I turn around to leave but her head snaps up when I move and she rushes over, gripping my arms, begging me to stay and talk to her.
"Justin...look I'm sorry ok? I know some of the things I said were harsh but you told me a lot of nasty things yourself. And...I'm sorry for hitting you even if you deserved it. But please, don't go. We still have to record. Just stay and talk to me please?"
Giving her a pained expression, my resolve begins to crack against my will in front of her and a slight moan of displeasure escapes me.
Calmly, I grip her hands and push her away from me forcefully, not wanting her near me all of a sudden. "Listen to me Claudine, no body fucking won the game ok? You didn't either because look at us now. You may pretend like you don't care but I know you do. Your eyes don't lie Claudine. I have a good idea what you're thinking and feeling because I'm experiencing the same thing too. Only, I'm not a coward like you. I'm not trying to hide it. I care...I fucking do and I never thought I would. I don't know when it happened but it did..."
She's gazing into my eyes, her browns glossy like I remember them earlier as her tears begin to rapidly form at the surface. Shaking her head in protest, I nod for her, knowing she's keeping all this shit inside. That's why she freaked out on me earlier. She was trying to push me away. That's why she's completely fucked now. That's why after she slapped me and I kissed her, she gave into me afterwards. She couldn't fight it...she couldn't deny the fact that we might be thinking and feeling the same fucking thing.
Then I finally decide to say it, the words feeling heavy and weighing me down when I do...
Looking into her eyes, I grip under her chin, watching as a few tears escape her when she blinks, but I make no attempt to wipe them away because this shit is the hardest thing I've ever had to say. "Claudine, like it or not I'm falling for you...already have. I've fallen hard and it's a fucking bitch. It's a bitch because, I don't even want to explore any of it further because really we would never work out and that's what's killing me. That's why I'm fighting it and I know that's why you're doing the same. That's what's eating me inside. To be falling in love with someone I could never fucking have is just..." But I stop myself and pull away from her when she whimpers because I'm baffled by my own words.
No, no this needs to end...
This ends now. I can't take anymore of this rollercoaster because I'm about to hurl I swear.
Before she can even get a word in, I cut her off with a raise of my hand. "When these two songs are done and the album is out, this is over...as in I want nothing to do with you outside these studio walls ever again." I snap, watching as she gasps by the harshness of my voice but she nods in response, agreeing with me.
"It's what's best." She smiles weakly while wiping away her tears and no it's not. It's just our only option right now since our lives are so far apart with our careers and everything. I'm leaving for tour in a few months for my album. She's going to be off wherever working with the next artist. And honestly, we'd need some serious time off if we ever decided to get into any type of relationship for it to work at least in the beginning stages since we have so many differences to overcome. None of that is possible right now.
This was only supposed to be simple recording sessions to get my album done but it turned into so much more. When did things change so drastically?
Sucking up my pride, I shake my head in agreement with her feeling my heart squeeze and palpitate in my chest as I let go of what I'm feeling for her in that one moment.
"Ok, ok then let's get those two songs done. The faster the better right?" She suggests, trying or more pretending to perk up a bit. Moving away from me, she walks back over to the soundboard, pausing briefly to stare at the table where we were just situated moments earlier before she catches herself and ups the volume to the beat that was playing in the background on repeat.
Passing my hands over my head in frustration, I call out to her, letting her know that I'm going to head out for something to drink and I'll be right back. I really just want to get away for a minute to clear my head and gather my thoughts.
When she waves me off in acknowledgement, I sigh exasperatingly and make my way to the exit, unlocking the door and swinging it open. Walking out into the hallway, I give Claudine one last glance before I slam the studio door shut behind me.
She's already built back up her walls, diving into her work and putting all of this behind her. I wish I could do the same. I know what I said, but I just can't let go of her completely. She...she's like my counterpart. How...how do you let go of someone like that?
Making my way down the halls to the vending machines, I notice Tim heading in my direction and I smile. I smile because I know Claudine won't quit anymore even if she maybe still wants to. At least, Tim doesn't have to know all the shit that went on this past weekend when he was gone.
Waving to him, I make a sign to let him know that Claudine is in the studio and that I'll be back shortly as I move to turn down into the next hallway.
Giving me a thumbs up, I tell him bye before he disappears out of sight and I continue on my journey for some liquid nourishment.
Yeah, what happened earlier took a lot more out of me emotionally than it did physically and besides it doesn't count if we stopped. No one won.
But shit, Claudine she...she was so fucking sweet. How the hell am I going to be able to do this? How can I just forget about her after, after being connected to her like I was earlier? We were right there...with me deep inside of her and just...how the fuck do I get that and her out of my mind? Goddamn it.
Still, after everything we've been through, I don't regret it all. There are just some parts I wish I could change if I knew then what I know now.
But in the end, I guess this is a lesson to be learnt...for the both of us.
Never put your feelings on the line unless you're prepared to possibly get your heart broken in the process...
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