Summary: Who would have thought ‘that day’ was the beginning of the end for us? That was the first time in my life I wished I wasn’t Justin Timberlake, having to endure the grief of losing the love of my life and everything I held dear to my heart in our relationship all because of an entry in her diary…
Contains: Alternate Universe, Angst
~
….Flashback….
This is the day that I give her the good news. Today is the day that I voice what’s been on my mind for the past few weeks and the next step I think we should take in our three year relationship.
‘This is the day I ask her to move in with me’.
I’ve been nervous about this decision, palms sweating, breathing irregular, but looking down at the keys I had duplicated earlier today in my hand, I know it’s the right decision. Maybe, if things go my way, I’ll even hear the faint sounds of wedding bells on the horizon.
I know we’ve been distant and she’s been acting withdrawn and strange for some time now, her mood usually somber, but I really feel this will bring us closer together as a couple. I genuinely love her and I’m willing to overcome all obstacles for us to be together. God, I love her endlessly. She’s like the beat to my heart, to my entire existence. My life without her – void and lacking substance. It’s that simple.
‘Today is the day’…
….End of Flashback….
There was just one problem in my eluded mind – I couldn’t overcome all obstacles. I learnt that the difficult way. Who would have thought ‘that day’ was the beginning of the end for us? I know – I didn’t see it coming either. But, as I sit out here on my porch, gazing up at the night’s sky, I can’t help but drift back to a moment in time – the day when my entire world came crashing down around me.
A few tears escape rolling down my cheeks at the memory but I make no attempt to wipe them away. Instead, I gaze up at the starry sky, loving the glow of the full moon while I remain in my place, sighing and petting my dog’s head as my thoughts replay the most heart wrenching time in my life like a broken record. That was the first time in my life I wished I wasn’t Justin Timberlake, having to endure the grief of losing the love of my life and everything I held dear to my heart in our relationship all because of an entry in her diary…
****
Four Years Ago…
I swear if it was up to that girl she’d sleep her life away. I’ve been trying to call her for hours now but I keep getting her voicemail. It’s immensely frustrating.
I arrived at her house a few minutes ago, two stories high painted in white, determined to surprise her with the good news.
Using my spare key, I unlock the front door and amble in, shutting it behind me.
“Jaz baby? Jasmine? Are you home babe?” I call out to her, standing in the foyer, keys to my mansion clutched tightly in my palm, digging into my skin, but I’m only met with a tranquil silence.
Sighing, I figure she’s either out or knocked unconscious sleeping in her bedroom.
Walking through the familiar surroundings, I head straight for the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water, my throat feeling parched.
Wrapping my fingers tightly around the glass, I lift it from the counter, taking a gulp, bringing it with me as I exit the kitchen, lightly jogging up the stairs to the second floor.
Heading down the hallway, I jump in fright when I see Jaz’s baby diamond run out of her room coming straight towards me. Slowing her speed, she looks up at me, her dazzling crystal blue orbs encrusted with a light grey. Bending down, I stuff my keys in my jeans pocket to pet her with my now free hand, my glass of water in the other. “Hey diamond? How you doing girl? Jaz didn’t forget to feed you again did she?” I ask, chortling when the grey and white fur covered Siberian feline meows loudly, pushing her head into my touch, purring as I run my hands over her body.
“Yeah, Jaz forgot to feed you.” I laugh knowingly, feeling sorry for diamond that Jaz has been neglecting her too. She used to be Jasmine’s pride and joy, practically her baby. “I’ll head back down to feed you doll, just let me wake mommy up. Is she in there? In her room?” I ask, acting like diamond can comprehend what I’m saying. It maybe sounds like gibberish to her. Chuckling at my own self, I straighten my posture, watching as diamond instantly loses interest in me since I stopped petting her, disappearing somewhere downstairs.
Continuing my short journey down the hall, I finally approach Jasmine’s room, the door ajar.
Easing it open further, I walk in, instantly realizing that Jasmine is certainly not home, the bed empty and made like no one was sleeping in it. I suppose I’ll just have to wait for her to return to tell her the news. I hope she says yes to move in with me. It would be the perfect ending to this day.
Strutting around, I flinch at the bright sunlight seeping through the open window above the bed, blinding my sight temporarily. Moving out of the rays to clear my vision, my eyes land on a black and white book, the only object laying open at the foot of the bed with a pen resting snuggly in the groove.
Frowning in curiosity, I move over to it, taking a sip of my water before coughing lightly. Sitting at the edge of the bed, I gaze around, noting the beige color scheme Jaz has going from her carpet, rugs, covers, bed spread to walls. There’s a large plasma screen television mounted on the wall, still on, the volume low, on the music video channel. It’s a bad habit Jasmine has to just leave things out, turned on or lying around.
This book is no different.
Finally picking it up, I feel a sudden chill run down my spine when I turn it around to read the cover that says: Jaz’s diary. I never knew she kept one of those. I know for a fact, I should just cease all action now, dropping the book back in its previous spot then head out of her room. I could simply wait for her in the living room. She won’t take lightly to me invading her privacy.
But, I need to know why she’s been so distraught and unresponsive lately. I need to know for my own sanity. I need to know I’m not doing something wrong that’s pushing her away. She won’t tell me; she won’t communicate with me. So, maybe she’s written what’s been bothering her in her diary. Maybe I can find what I need in there to help her solve what ever issue she has.
I think that’s plausible enough to read it. I feel deceitful and terrible about this though, my nerves slowly acting up. I really shouldn’t but before I can stop myself, my eyes gaze down, mindlessly at the ink on the paper, the words written in Jaz’s penmanship.
This entry has today’s date on it and before I can conjure up enough self-control to walk away, my orbs begin scanning, reading over the words as my breath hitches in my throat…
——–
Diary, why is life so hard? Why do we succumb to temptation even when we know it’s so sinful? We feel guilty about it after, our emotions laced with remorse yet we give into those demons. That’s what happened to me diary. I gave into those demons fully conscious of what I was getting myself into. I couldn’t help it. I’ve told you this before, I couldn’t control it. I was weak. God, I was so weak and now I’m paying the price. I’m hurting so much. I can’t even look at him. I can’t talk to him. That’s how ashamed I feel about what I’ve done. Justin has been nothing but a sweetheart and I repay his kindness and loving nature by cheating on him. I still can’t believe I’ve been cheating on him…
——–
That’s as far as I get before I feel my chest tighten, a sudden rush of emotions empowering me. Sub-consciously dropping the glass in my hand from shock, I cast my vision to the floor, watching as the water spills out soaking the beige carpet, seeping through the fibers of the material.
Gazing at the diary like it’s on fire, I blink slowly, my breathing now shallow as I feel a sudden rush of tears building in my system, pushing through the surface and threatening to spill down my heated cheeks.
I couldn’t have read this right. I refuse to believe this is true. No, this isn’t happening to me. My heartbeat increases rapidly, pounding in my chest, the rhythmic patterns echoing in my ears. And I bend my head, sighing deeply as a few tears escape unwillingly causing me to shut my eyes.
Fluttering my orbs open almost immediately after, I stare at the writings in the diary, a few tear droplets falling unto the page, blotting the words…
———–
Do you know what’s even worse than cheating diary? Repeating it and having no intention of telling your significant other unless they find out for themselves. But I’ve been trying to tell him. I’ve been fighting to tell him but every time I attempt to I fail miserably. It’s really sent me into an almost irreversible depression and now, I’m afraid that Justin will never forgive me. Our relationship is dying and it’s my fault. Sometimes, I can’t even stand to live with my own self. But I’m only saying this and beating up myself over this because I’ve been sick lately. I’ve been sick and I didn’t know why. I was getting terrible cramps, my appetite was shot and I kept throwing up. I’ve hidden it well from Justin, but I’m sure he’s bound to notice sooner or later. Not knowing what to do, I went to visit the doctor a few days ago when Justin was gone. You can imagine my shock when I found out what was wrong with me. I think my heart stopped that day in the doctor’s office when I found out I was pregnant.
———-
Gasping, my hand covers my mouth, my tears rapidly flowing as I continue to read, too engrossed to notice the faint sound of a dying engine followed by the front door opening and closing…
———-
That’s what I get diary…for my sinful actions. I don’t deserve to be happy. Because of my infidelity, I’m pregnant with a baby unsure of who the father is. But I have another appointment with the doctor today, because he wanted to monitor my pregnancy and run a few more tests. It’s going to be my second visit. I’m already two weeks pregnant. I’ve just been feeling so sick lately. I’m a little worried for the life growing inside of me. It’s not normal. I have no choice now but to tell Justin. I’m thinking of telling him today. Today is the day I poor my heart and soul out to him, hoping he can forgive me, hoping we can get past this. God I love that man. My life is nothing without him….
———-
Not able to take anymore, I drop the open book unceremoniously onto my lap, the painful words staring up at me, haunting my thoughts. Leaning forward with my head down, I heave, my nostrils palpitating, fighting for air as I try to calm my trembling, my sobs rocking my entire body like an earthquake. “Oh my god…” I choke out in a low whisper, my voice fading as I pass my palms over my face, my hands quivering.
“Justin?”
Snapping my head up quickly, I stand abruptly holding the now closed diary, gazing at a slender, tall, raven-haired beauty with bright green sapphire eyes, her orbs twinkling in confusion…
………..
I’m holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I’m hearing what you say but I just can’t make a sound
……….
It’s Jasmine. I can’t even find my voice to respond. I feel conflicted right now. I want to curse her out while shaking her violently, clamorously screaming and asking why and how she could do this to me. How could she just shatter my heart into a million pieces like that? I thought she loved me. I thought she needed me. I thought she couldn’t live without me. That’s what she said. That’s what she led me to believe. So why?
…………
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
………..
“Justin what’s wrong baby? Sorry I missed your calls, I was at the doc…” Drifting off, her orbs squint as she walks further into the room, dropping the bag in her hands. Zooming in on the book I still have clutched in my hands like a vice, her eyes dart up to mine, fear now her present emotion. “Justin I…” trailing off, I watch silently, blinking slowly as she takes in a shaky breath, her composure decomposing. “Justin I, I wanted to tell you. I’m so sorry.” She belts, taking in my broken form, examining my face closely, her eyes now glazed over with unshed tears. “Oh my god, baby I’m so sorry.” She croaks, realization that I now know her secret hitting her like a tone of bricks.
And I’m still there just standing, staring at the woman I love with my entire being breakdown in front of me, dwindling into a pile of messy emotions.
………..
You tell me that you’re sorry
Didn’t think I’d turn around, and say…
……….
I can’t even look at her right now. I can’t stand the sight of her. I feel sick, nauseous. Feeling my stomach contents rising in my throat, I swallow hard, flinching at the heat and pain that’s surging through my chest.
I, I need to get out of here. I need to be far away from her because I know for a fact I will end up doing something I’ll regret. I just need time for this to all sink in. When I’m back to my senses and normal thinking patterns, I’ll be able to deal with her. Not now. Not when my dismay is slowly morphing into uncontrollable anger complimented with homicidal tendencies.
Walking up to Jasmine who’s silently sobbing, wrapping her arms around her body protectively, I exhale loudly. Staring at the diary in my hands, I shove it into her chest, watching as she stumbles back a bit from my force. Gazing at the object in her grasp, she falls to her knees wailing.
I feel no empathy for her right now. She deserves her agony. She did this to me…to us.
Shaking my head sadly, I move around her, heading for the door, stopping but not turning around to face her when she calls out to me.
“Justin please! Please I’m so sorry. Please don’t go. Please, I, I need to talk to you. We need to talk about this. I need to tell you something very important. Please baby…” She speaks timidly in a tremulous voice.
Feeling my heart break a little bit more with each passing second, I grip the door knob tightly never acknowledging her hysterical cries.
………..
That it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
………..
“It’s too late to apologize Jasmine. I’m sorry but, I can’t be with someone like you. I can’t be with a backstabbing, lying, deceitful bitch like you…” I spit coldly, my words filled with venom, my mind hazed.
“No please Justin. You don’t understand. Let me explain, I need to talk to you…”
“I don’t want to hear it! This conversation is over.” I enforce, my voice booming, bouncing off the walls.
Her cries instantly quiet down.
Stuffing my hand into my jeans pocket, I pull out the copied bunch of keys to my house, looking at them in disdain. Bowing my head, I release them from my hold, watching as they fall to the floor, making a clinging noise on impact. “Use those keys, come over as soon as you can and pack your shit and get it out of my house.” I state, never once turning to stare into the eyes of the woman that captured my heart and took it for a ride, stomping on it in the end. “Do it when you know I won’t be home because I don’t want to see you right now.” Walking out of the room and into the hallway, I let out a soft plaintive moan when I realize I’m walking away from my life support. But, this needs to be done for my own sanity.
“Jasmine…”
I hear her let out a light gasp when I call out to her but she remains silent.
“Feed the cat.” I add, storming away, down the stairs and out the front door, getting in my Mercedes, bringing the engine to life and peeling out of my parking spot into the street.
It’s not long before a new wave of tears engulfs me, causing me to swerve in the road before I regain control. Wiping at my face roughly I scowl, my chest now feeling light, an empty space taking the place of my heart.
I can’t get the words I read in Jasmine’s diary out of my mind. They’ve burnt me mentally and emotionally leaving a permanent scar.
Laughing bitterly through my tears I realize today really was ‘the day.’
Today was ‘the day’ a part of me died inside…
****
Four years later…
Present Day….
Wiping at my tear stained cheeks I feel so much like a woman right now.
Chuckling lightly, my head snaps to the sliding glass doors connecting to my back porch when I hear them open.
“Hey Chloe.” A large smile instantly graces my features when I connect to her pair of exited green orbs; she’s clutching a stuffed animal to her chest before she sprints towards me, jumping up on my lap.
Laughing, I snake my fingers through a head of golden brown unruly curls. God, I feel so sorry that she took those genes from me. She’s going to have a fit trying to tame that thing in the long run. “What’s up baby girl?” I coo, eyeing the petite three year old closely.
“What you doing daddy?” She asks animatedly, petting our dog Roger before she gazes expectantly into my eyes, awaiting a response. “Are you looking for mommy in the stars again?” She asks innocently, staring up at the sky causing me to do the same. She’s so naïve, too young to understand complex emotions and situations. Sighing sadly, I nod for her, trying to keep my composure. I don’t want my daughter seeing me in this state, weak and vulnerable.
“Yes, I miss her.” I whisper, embracing my little girl in my arms as she rests her head on my chest, listening to my heartbeat. That’s mostly true. I do miss Jasmine; I’ll never get to see those beautiful sapphire eyes again. I don’t miss what we went through after the day I read her diary. It was a trying time for the both of us. But, I still tried to be there for her even if we were separated. Mostly because she didn’t really have anyone and would be on her own through most of her pregnancy.
As much as I despised Jaz for what she did to me, I still loved her and couldn’t abandon her in her time of need. I was even there when she went into labor. I’m the one who rushed her to the hospital, remaining by her side through her complicated delivery, giving birth to Chloe. I felt my heart swell that day when I stared into Chloe’s eyes for the first time. But my content was short lived when Jasmine passed out almost immediately after. I thought she was exhausted, but when I looked down and saw the pool of blood flowing out, soaking the sheets and hospital mattress my panic surged.
I was completely helpless, not granted enough time to process what was happening before I was shoved out of the room, the nurse ripping Chloe from my arms as a swarm of doctors filed in to attend to Jasmine.
The end result? Well, Chloe lost her mother that day, and I lost the woman I still loved for the second time in my life over a span of nine months…too late to voice my feelings, though I forgave her. Jasmine passed away that night, the birth complications she suffered too much to endure. She lost too much blood. It turned out she had fibroids, which are growths in a woman’s uterus that she couldn’t operate on to take out since she was pregnant with Chloe. The doctors told her it would be risky and she should abort because she could die giving birth but, Jasmine was always optimistic and she wanted her baby. Thinking about it now, she never even got to hold her baby girl if only for a few seconds. She was gone the moment Chloe popped out.
I cried myself to sleep that night, and numerous nights in between since then.
But, I took Chloe in as mine giving her that name Jasmine loved so much. Chloe Jasmine Timberlake is her full name. My mom insisted Chloe was mine from our resemblance, but I was still skeptic. I never found out who Jasmine cheated on me with which was good because I would have killed the bastard first chance I got.
Luckily, a blood test proved Chloe was indeed my flesh and blood when she got sick and I had to take her to the hospital once. It was a tragic, bittersweet ending for the both of us.
We’ve be inseparable ever since, my little sunshine blossoming into a beautiful person inside and out.
It’s hard without Jasmine here with us, but we’re managing.
Chloe doesn’t understand too much now, but I know as she gets older, the questions about her mom are going to increase. I just hope I can do Jasmine justice, helping Chloe to keep her alive in her heart.
Bending my head down when I hear steady breathing, I realize Chloe is sound asleep, maybe to the rhythmic patterns of my heartbeat. She usually comes out here to keep me company, just sitting and studying me with her bright eyes not saying anything until she eventually falls asleep. She’s so much like her mother.
Yawning, I pick her up in my arms, grabbing her stuffed zebra as I stand to my feet, stretching lightly before I walk towards the sliding glass doors, the chill of the wind making me shiver a bit.
Glancing at the dark sky again, I sigh heavily feeling a pang in my heart. “Night Jaz, look over Chloe for me so she’s protected when I’m not around ok?” I whisper, walking into the warmth of my house and closing the glass doors behind me. I smile brightly when I see an aging diamond slowly trudging over to rub against my leg, purring as I bend to pet her, before I bring Chloe up to her room, turning in for the night.
……………
I’d take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it’s nothing new – yeah
I loved you with the a fire red-
Now it’s turning blue, and you say…
I’m sorry like an angel
heaven let me think was you
But I’m afraid…
It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
……………
*The End*
****
Song Credits: Apologize by Timbaland and OneRepublic
