Summary: Tonight is our last night like this because tomorrow night it’s all over for me. All of the bliss, the rapture, the love, the love making, the arguments, the fights, the making up; it’s all over and what’s tearing me apart is that he doesn’t even know it. He’s completely clueless and it breaks my heart, it breaks my heart because I can’t tell him what he needs to know because I’m selfish, because I’m scared, because I’d much rather he didn’t know so I wouldn’t have to endure actually seeing the pain on his face and in his eyes if he knew the truth…
*Inspired by Evanescence – Bring Me To Life*
Contains: Angst
~
How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I’ve become
Now that I know what I’m without
You can’t just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life…
*****
“You know I love you Crystal…all of you and you know I’ll never give this up….any of this. Because I can’t live without you.” He sighs softly as he buries his head into the crook of my neck, his breathing deep.
Gripping unto his damp bare back, I hold on for dear life as tears begin to well up in my system again for the millionth time since I’ve known him. “I know.” I whisper softly through strangled sobs.
Lifting his head to glare at me, he scowls lightly, his beautiful blues swallowing my browns even under the dim yellow lighting of the bedside lamp. “Don’t do this baby, don’t cry. You always do this and you never tell me why. But it’s ok; tell me when you’re ready ok? Just, don’t do this.” He pleads, leaning down to kiss my lips softly and I shudder under his delicate touch. Pulling back to look at me, he wipes his fingertips over my eyes before he places a kiss on each of my eyelids, propping his self up on his elbows to get a better view of me.
And I shiver as a wave of pleasure washes over me when he pulls almost all the way out, and skillfully slides back into my depths, allowing me to feel how solid he is, his thrusts slow and powerful as he fills up my insides and stretches my walls apart.
“God I love you…” He moans, his thrusts now sharp and penetrating as he takes us both over the top.
“I…I know you do Justin.” Because I can’t say it back…I’ve never been able to say it back due to my own fear and insecurities but I’ve always managed to show it through my emotions that I indeed love him too. And he knows. I can’t say it though. Saying it will make it all the more real and I can’t…I can’t because he doesn’t know the entire truth…but tonight is our last night like this, in each other’s warm embrace, connected as one as our sweaty bodies mesh together.
Tonight is our last night like this because tomorrow night it’s all over for me. All of the bliss, the rapture, the love, the love making, the arguments, the fights, the making up; it’s all over and what’s tearing me apart is that he doesn’t even know it. He’s completely clueless and it breaks my heart, it breaks my heart because I can’t tell him what he needs to know because I’m selfish, because I’m scared, because I’d much rather he didn’t know so I wouldn’t have to endure actually seeing the pain on his face and in his eyes if he knew the truth…
*****
Next Day…
As I sit casually on my couch, looking over the various bills and payments in my grasp I sigh while passing my hand through my hair. I have no way of paying these and while I know that Justin would gladly help me, I don’t want to put that burden on him.
We’ve been together for a while now and he takes care of me as much as I allow him to. I’m the stubborn type who still likes some form of her independence. That’s why I’ve refused to move in with him. I told him he had to marry me first and while I was only joking at the time he took it seriously. That’s why on our anniversary last year he engaged me.
It was amazing and I cried like a baby because hearing him profess his love for me was overwhelming to say the least. He always dropped the line that he couldn’t live without me, that he couldn’t picture his life without me in it, but now, I’m starting to actually wonder what it would really be like if I wasn’t here anymore.
How would he really take it?
How do I tell him that this isn’t working for me anymore without going in depth and breaking his heart?
There really is no way, so I’ve decided against it because again, I’m selfish and I’m not afraid to admit it.
What went wrong that led me to this point? A lot, but strangely enough, it’s all on my end and none on his. And the even sadder part? It couldn’t have been avoided.
Dropping the many bills in my hand on the center table I sigh in defeat, completely giving up.
Standing from my sitting position, I gaze around at my cottage. It’s a cozy little place with two bedrooms and two bathrooms. It’s situated by the beach where my balcony overlooks the white sand and blue ocean.
Justin helped me pick it out when I moved down here to LA from New York to be closer to him.
As I store the features of my home in my memory, I move around to grab my coat and slippers to put over my slim frame clad in shorts and a t-shirt.
Grabbing my house keys, I stuff them in my pant pocket before I head into the kitchen to grab an item I placed on the countertop earlier, shoving it in my other pocket.
Taking a deep breath, I look outside at the setting sun and darkening sky.
I can feel the sea breeze gently hitting me from the open backdoor.
Inhaling deeply, I begin on my journey out, heading down the stairs that lead to the sand.
Walking a little way down the private beach, I stop next to two tall trees and stand under the shade as my eyes gaze at the crashing waves on the sand.
Slowly, I take off my shoes and coat before I begin walking down towards the water.
But, my advances are cut short when I hear a faint voice in the distance calling out to me.
I try to ignore it and get on with this, pulling out the small bottle I stuffed in my pocket earlier, but the voice keeps getting closer and closer until I make it out to be Justin’s.
Gasping in shock, I snap my head in his direction, watching the outlining of his physic walking down the beach towards me.
Biting the corners of my lips, I stare down at the small bottle of poison in my grasp.
What the hell is he doing here!? He wasn’t supposed to show up until later tonight and by then, I would have been gone…nowhere to be found. He would have found the note I left him on the refrigerator and all this would be over!
“Crystal, baby what the hell are you doing out here?!” He calls out to me when we make eye contact.
He’s close enough now for me to see the confusion in his eyes as he continues walking towards me, but I don’t answer.
Instead, I give him a weak smile, quickly opening the small bottle so I can get over the pain I’m in…the pain of not wanting to live this life anymore.
Then it dawns on him that something’s wrong when I don’t answer.
“Crystal? Baby, what’s going on? Are you ok?”
“Go away Justin!” I snap, looking away from him.
“What the fuck is that in your hand…” But he drifts, a loud gasp of horror leaving his lips. “Crystal what the fuck are you doing!?” He screams out in utter terror, bursting into a fast sprint towards me when I take another step out into the water.
“I can’t do this anymore Justin I’m sorry…I’m sorry you had to be here for this. I never wanted you to be!” I sob, taking a few steps further into the water before lifting the bottle to my lips.
“What? Jesus! Crystal no! Stop this craziness!” He’s begging now, his voice wild and desperate as I hear him getting closer but I ignore him, shutting my eyes as I get ready to drink the vile liquid that’s almost touching my lips and tongue.
It will all be over soon…
“Crystal!” Justin yells in horror and just like, I feel myself falling…shock taking over my system as I crash into the water, the wet sand coating my form.
Gasping for air, I cough roughly fighting to open my eyes when I feel a pair of strong arms around my waist.
“No…no!” I cry out in despair as Justin and I roll around in the sand with me struggling against him, fighting him off of me as he tries to pin me down. “Stop it Justin!” I cry out but he ignores me, using all of his power to roll us over until I’m flat on my back and he’s hovering over me, pinning my arms above my head as his eyes are wide and fierce, filled with confusion and hurt.
“What the fuck Crystal. What’s wrong with you?” Justin snaps at me, his eyes slowly glossing over as his brows furrow in perplexity. “What were you doing? What were you about to drink?” He’s rambling out all these questions as I look up at him, fighting back my sobs as my throat burns from unshed tears.
“You ruined it. Why did you stop me? Why?!” I scream at him and he shakes his head, not understanding.
His body and clothes are soaked like mine as the water crashes up at our feet but neither of us care about that.
“Ruined what? What the hell was that bottle in your hand? Talk to me Crystal, answer me god damn it!” He yells shaking me violently, causing me to break out in hysterics.
“It doesn’t matter anymore, you slapped it away from my hand, it’s gone!” I cave and I note agony on his face when realization hits him.
“Was it…poison?” He questions, his voice breaking as he chokes back his own sobs. “Were you going to…” But he can’t get the rest of the words out as shock takes over him, practically paralyzing him.
His body goes rigid against me and he rolls off of me in a daze before he stands up, brushing himself off the best he can.
“No.” He says, clearly in denial when he sees the look I’m giving him. “No, you wouldn’t…you…”
“Justin.” I say weakly, carefully standing when I see how his face begins turning a bright shade of pink.
Facing him, I search his eyes, feeling my heart break when a few tears escape him.
“Why?” He forces out through sobs. “Why would you do that?”
“Justin I…”
“Tell me why Crystal! Why the fuck would you try to kill yourself!” He’s screaming, his body racking with harsh sobs. “Oh god…this isn’t happening. I swear this is a fucking nightmare. My fiancé wasn’t about to kill herself. No, that can’t be right because it makes no fucking sense. It makes no sense…what if I wasn’t there? What if…what if I was a few seconds later?” He mutters mindlessly, his eyes wild as he glares at me, moving away from me when I try to touch him.
“Justin I’m sorry! It was the only way!” I shout, ignoring my own tears.
Why did he come? Why is he here, he’s only making this harder for me. Why!
“The only way?” He growls as his anger begins to rise. “You won’t tell me what the fuck is wrong with you…I come here expecting to surprise you with dinner reservations and I find you on the verge of drowning yourself since you can’t swim…what the fuck is going on Crystal? What aren’t you telling me?”
“Fine Justin! Fine, you want to know? Fine! I hate my life ok? There I said it. I hate this, all of this. I don’t want this life anymore.” I cry out.
“God, you’re such a selfish bitch.” He snaps despite himself. “Did you ever stop to think about what this would do to me? To the people who love you? What it’s doing to me right this second!?” He barks while pointing to his heart and I bow my head in shame, hugging myself tightly.
“Justin…”
“Just stop it Crystal. You’re sick if you think this is the only way to solve your problems. You need help, and I can get you the help you need if you’d just tell me what this is about. You can’t possibly hate yourself and your life this much. It doesn’t make sense. I mean, does that mean you hate me too? Because I don’t hate you Crys…I love you…god I love you so much. Why are you doing this to us?” His voice is growing weaker by the second as his tears continue to flow freely.
“No, Justin…I love you.” I admit. “I love you so much too. I don’t hate you.” I cave, hiccupping lightly. Oh my god, I can’t believe I just said that…now there’s no way…there’s no way I can take it back. I can’t leave him. What the hell was I thinking?
“You know, in all of the time we’ve been together, that’s the first time you’ve ever voiced that you loved me and it had to take me stopping you from doing one of the stupidest things in your life. So, where the hell does that leave us? You want to break up with me? Because, I had no idea it was that bad Crystal. I don’t understand, help me understand. You’re not acting like yourself and I…”
I can’t take it anymore.
“God Justin I have cancer ok!” I blurt out, stunning him into silence. “There…I fucking said it! God!” I wail, before turning away from him, moving back up the beach to grab my things.
“What?” He asks, his voice filled with disbelief. “What do you mean…”
“Cancer Justin! I have cancer! Ok? Do you know what that means? I’m dying. Chemotherapy might not even save me! So either way…I’m dead. I don’t want to go through that pain. I wasn’t selfish. I was trying to save you. I was trying to save you from the heartache, from the pressure and pain of having to deal with this. Of having to take care of me and watch me die Justin! I didn’t want you to go through that. I don’t want to see you go through that either!” I state, slowly regaining my composure as I walk back down to where he’s standing in the same spot in the sand.
“You…you have cancer?”
He’s completely gone now, zoned out in utter shock.
“Yes.” I sigh, tiredly, feeling drained.
“But, but how…why….when.” He gasps for air, leaning forward, trying to catch his breath.
“Routine checkup…I didn’t want you to know so…I figured this way was easier. Didn’t want to go through the suffering either but, what can you do? I can’t leave you now. You know.” I shrug uncaringly, numb to it all. Maybe death isn’t so bad right?
“How…how long do you have?” He croaks, fighting to keep a stable stance as he stares at me.
“Six months? Maybe more, depending. Chances aren’t bright but there’s still a small chance but, it’s going to be so gruesome Justin.” I can’t go through this, any of this. The pain, the weakness, the throwing up, the sickness…I’m not that strong.
And just like that he caves, stretching his hands out to grip onto me tightly, pulling me into his embrace, hugging me for dear life as he cries like a baby.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He whispers against me and I cling unto him, needing his strength, relishing in his warmth.
“I was scared.” I whimper.
“Damn it Crystal…you should have told me. That’s something I deserve to know.” Justin groans softly, having no intention of letting me go.
“I’m sorry.” I whine, burying my head in his firm chest.
“Baby, shit, I knew you weren’t feeling well and you didn’t seem like yourself but you always brushed it off…and I had no idea…what am I going to do with you? And you’re so stupid. Why would you try to rid yourself of the time you have left? Are you that eager to get away from me?” He questions and I giggle weakly even if it’s not supposed to really be funny.
“I wasn’t thinking Justin. I just wanted it to all end, to all go away.”
He pulls away from me far enough to look into my eyes, a hurtful yet calm stare on his face.
“We’ll get through this. Ok? We’ll make this work. We’ll get married, tomorrow or now or…”
“Justin…”
“No, I don’t want to hear it Crystal. I’m going to make you my wife before this is over. I promise you that. And…” Pausing, he swallows the sobs bubbling in his throat before he can continue. “We’ll get through this. Because you’re not going to die. I’m going to be here with you every step of the way ok? But you have to promise me one thing Crys.”
“What?” I whisper faintly.
“That you won’t ever pull a stunt like that again. Promise me.” He orders.
“I promise.” I oblige.
“Good, now, we’re going to call your parents and we’re going to get through this baby. Don’t give up yet. There’s still hope. We’ll get you the treatment you need and…miracles happen every day. Ok? Just have faith. Because…you can’t die. You know…I can’t…I can’t be without you so…”
“Thank you Justin, for always being there for me.” I smile softly and he nods before gripping my hand tightly, pulling me to sit with him on the sand.
Snuggling up in his embrace, I heave a sigh as he kisses my forehead, his tears still flowing even if he’s quiet now.
As a peaceful silence takes over us, we both get lost in each other’s embrace while watching the setting sun on the horizon with the waves crashing on the shore.
This moment is bittersweet for the both of us and I listen intently at Justin’s deep breathing as he keeps his vision forward, focusing on the ocean while he holds me closely.
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” Justin whispers softly and I turn to stare at him as the night vastly approaches. “Albert Einstein said that.” He divulges and I sigh tiredly. “Smart man.” He voices and I note the small smile on his face before he turns to look at me. “So my question to you is…do you have faith, do you believe that we’ll get through this?” He asks and I lean up to place a delicate kiss on his lips.
“Yes…I do.” I admit honestly for once.
“Good, so do I.”
And he’s right. A little faith and hope goes a long way and if that’s what we have for now, then, I’m ok with that.
But I have to say, this is the most alive I’ve ever felt in my entire life and it lets me see that life is worth living and fighting for and the fact that I have Justin there with me gives me the strength that I need to not be afraid anymore…
*THE END*
*****
Song: Bring Me To Life by Evanescence
