Summary: I can see the pain in his eyes as well. It’s heart wrenching for him too. He knew this was coming. Justin needs to be strong though. I’m trying to be… Oh god, I think I’m going to have an emotional break down. Stay strong Camilla. We’ll get through this hopefully unscarred. We just can’t bring ourselves to say it. We can’t face the truth because it will make the end that much more real and unbearable…
Contains: Alternate Universe, Angst, Humor, Romance
~
“I need to do this. I need to. I need to.” Sighing, I look over at Justin with tear filled eyes. “I can’t do this though it’s too hard.”
I can see the pain in his eyes as well. It’s heart wrenching for him too. He knew this was coming. Justin needs to be strong though. I’m trying to be. We just don’t mesh anymore. Nothing is right anymore. We’ve lost our spark and, and, we…we just. Oh god, I think I’m going to have an emotional break down. Stay strong Camilla. We’ll get through this hopefully unscarred. We just can’t bring ourselves to say it. We can’t face the truth because it will make the end that much more real and unbearable.
“Lila, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry we had to go through this again.” Justin chokes out, blinking slowly to fight back his tears. “I never wanted things to end this way.”
Huffing at Justin’s statement, I look out at our surroundings. It’s late afternoon and I can see the multicolor sun set taking effect. It’s so beautiful and peaceful. I love coming here. We’re away from all human life, well mostly all, up on this big hill. It’s usually quiet since Justin and I don’t say much to each other. The only sounds that can be heard at this point are our breathing, and the wind rustling through the leaves of nearby trees.
We’ve been sitting here for almost two hours now in my Mercedes SLR McLaren. It’s nice though. It’s our own little private getaway. We’re up in the hills of Hollywood CA, just enjoying the scenery at our own little ‘drive in’. It’s a quaint dirt spot on the side of the road overlooking the beautiful city of LA. Ah, I love these Friday afternoons.
It’s a ritual Justin and I have. We drive up here in my ride and overlook the scenery every Friday afternoon about 6pm, when he gets home from his work and hectic life. It’s been a tradition of ours for the past three years and we love it. It’s our healing time, our bonding time and our recuperating time. Being a professional celebrity hair stylist has taken its toll on me. It’s sad because half the time, my brown, golden, shoulder length locks are a mess. I rarely ever take time to organize myself since I’m always so busy. That’s why I look forward to the weekends and this time with my Justy-wusty. Yes, he’s my Justy-wusty damn it. No matter what happens, he’ll always be.
I’ll never trade this for the world. Too bad today is our last time up here together. I’m so heart broken and disappointed though. We’ve invested so much time into us you know? I mean, it’s been three years since we started this tradition and now it’s tragically coming to an end. Gripping my staring wheel tightly, I glance around the interior of the silver car, looking at all the knickknacks Justin bought for it. Justin is so thoughtful. That’s why I love him. He’s everything a woman could ask for in a man. But now, I’m strained between my love for him and my love for this wonderful moment that will no longer be ours, if I give up on everything we’ve been through.
“I’m going to miss the peaceful vibes from the radio and the long rides we would take to get up here. I’m going to miss this so much Camilla. I’m going to miss the way you’d always check the mileage on the damn vehicle. I swear you loved that car more than me sometimes.” Justin jokes, trying to lighten the mood. But, he fails miserably and he knows this because the moment his eyes connect with mine, they’re back out the window, staring at the almost non-existent sun.
“Yeah. I know what you mean.” I sigh dejectedly, rubbing the black leather seats softly and relishing in my endless memories. I can remember the first time Justin and I made love in my Mercedes. We were both drunk out of our minds and decided to come up here at after 9 in the night. It was perfect. Everything we’ve shared up in this spot together was perfect and can never be replaced. This will forever be our special place and no one else is allowed here, ever. I’d cut a few throats if that ever happened.
If there is one thing we never miss, it’s our Friday ‘outing’. We’d have to be dying or immobile to not make it here. Whether we’re intoxicated, sick or not, Justin and I will be here in this very ride. We’ll find our way here…one way or the other. It’s that important, that special and that close to our hearts.
“We can’t keep doing this Camilla. We can’t keep living in the past. We’re never going to get this back no matter how long you try to hold on. Just let it go baby. Just, just let it be what it is. We’ll always have our memories. Hold onto that instead. I’ll never forget you here with me and I know neither will you. But, it’s time to move on…to explore new horizons.” Justin sucks in a breath and I see a single tear gently roll down his cheek.
I think I’m going to be sick. I can’t handle this. Ending a relationship can be so hard sometimes. “My head hurts.” I groan. I feel stressed out and it’s finally taking a toll on my body.
“I got you babe.” Justin instantly pops the glove compartment and a stack of papers come tumbling out as well as a bottle of Aspirin. Giving Justin an askance look, I shrug and grab the small bottle from his grasp when he hands it to me.
“Do I even want to know why you have this in here?” I inquire, twisting the cap off and popping two pills. Swallowing harshly, I grimace at the bitter aftertaste since there is no liquid for me to wash down the pills.
“I thought you might need them and I was right.” Justin replies lovingly.
Rolling my eyes at him I turn the key in the ignition, hearing the engine come to life. “I’ve had enough of this. I can’t take it anymore.” I snap.
Looking at me with worrisome eyes, Justin turns away, breathing heavily. “So this is it huh?” He asks sadly.
“Yeah.” I sigh, putting the car in reverse and pulling out of our ‘dirt spot’ – getting unto the main road.
“Well I guess one last ride for old time’s sake?” Justin turns on the radio and smiles for me sweetly putting it on our favorite radio station. ‘Slow Jamz 91.5′: only the slow jams for the lovers 24/7. God, this is an agonizing torture. Wiping at my tear stained cheeks, Justin and I remain in silence for the entire ride home, knowing that this was our last time at our special spot, never to return again…
****
Almost an hour later, we’re back home, driving through the gates of our estate. Only complete silence entraps us at this very moment. As I make my way up our driveway, we’re greeted with a group of people whom we know and love dearly. Parking in front of our porch, I turn off the ignition, shutting my eyes at the impending fate that awaits us.
“It’s ok baby. It’s ok Camille; just be strong. We’ll get through this.” Justin squeezes my hand for support and I hold my breath gaining courage to exit the Mercedes with grace. Justin follows suit, instantly walking over to my side to grip my waist tightly.
I can feel my heart slowly falling to my feet. “Right. Let’s get this over with.” I voice, finding an unknown courage to push forward.
“Finally! Where have you two been? Wait, don’t answer that; there are some things I don’t need to know. But, I’ve been waiting forever! I swear if I’m late for my orientation tomorrow I’ll…”
“Watch your mouth young man.” Justin’s voice booms out, silencing the entire group circulating around us.
“Sweetie, are you all packed?” I ask softly, moving out of Justin’s hold and walking over to the younger man who’s standing at almost six feet in front of us.
Shrugging, he sighs and ambles over to give me a tight hug. “Yeah Ma. I’m good.” He coos, pulling away to give me a kiss on my cheek. “But you and Dad always disappear. I told you to be here because I wanted to get on the road before sunset.”
Groaning at my son’s whining, I look over at his best friend who is struggling under a mountain of luggage.
“Let me help you with that.” Justin rushes over to help the poor guy, telling his mom, Trace and the rest of the family ‘hi’ along the way.
“Ok babe.” I divert my attention back to my son. “Do you have everything Junior? Your school documents, good clothes and body necessities?” I inquire.
“Mom!” Junior wails at me with his embarrassment present.
“I’m sorry sweetie.” I laugh, ruffling his head of brown curls. God, he looks just like Justin in his youth. It’s an uncanny resemblance. He even took Justin’s blazing blue eyes. “It’s not every day a mother gets to tell her son bye and see him off to college half-way across the country. I’m going to miss you baby.” I sulk, refusing to shed anymore tears.
“Aw mom, I’ll be home for holidays and special occasions. I’m not going forever Ma. You and dad will be fine. You did the same thing with Jaida when she left last year in your Escalade.” Junior muses. “I think the harder part is seeing each of your cars leave along with your children.” Junior quips knowingly.
“Shut up boy!” I giggle while looking down at the car keys in my hand. He’s right. This is the second time this is happening. I build up this unbreakable bond and love for my cars, and then they are ripped away from me without warning. It’s always so heart breaking; more so for me than Justin. Pulling out my son’s hands, I drop the keys in his palm. “Take care of yourself and her ok sweetie? I can stand the car to be gone, but not you so, be careful.” I explain and he grips unto the item smiling brightly.
“I promise Ma.” He winks at me. “I’ll take good care of us.”
“Good.” I wipe away a single tear as I see Justin approach us.
“You’re all set buddy. Everything is loaded and Lennox is waiting for you in the car.” Justin voices.
“Thanks Dad. I’ll miss you too you know.” Junior states while giving Justin a manly hug before they pull away.
“It’s all good man. We’ll see you soon. Take care of yourself and make sure you and Lennox don’t get sidetracked. You’re going to college on a scholarship so use it wisely.” Justin pats his son’s back reassuringly.
“I love you guys.” Junior’s voice cracks, but he keeps his composure. That’s my little man. He’s grown up so quickly. I can’t believe he’s eighteen years already.
“Go on now. You have hours to drive and I don’t want you to be too late arriving on campus.” I begin pushing him towards the car but stop when I hear the loud barks of our Siberian husky named Alex. Oh no, he’s Junior’s dog. He knows what’s going on. I swear he’s too smart to be a dog.
“Hey boy!” Junior turns and drops to his knees petting the dog lightly. “I’m going miss you bud. But mom and dad will take care of you. Won’t you guys?” He looks up to Justin and me and we nod in agreement. “Right, so I’ll see you first break I get ok?” Junior tries to keep his composure but it’s hard. He really loves his dog. Separations are never easy. “Alright then.” Junior stands to his feet and I hear Alex whimper before he trots over to Justin’s side. Justin is next in line. It’s a bond he and his son share. They both pamper and spoil Alex rotten.
Making his way over to Lynn, Trace, Rachel, Paul, Jonathan, Steven, Randall and Lisa, Junior tells them all his farewells and receives a series of well wishes from the family.
“Be safe sweetie.” Lynn cries lightly.
“Thanks Grandma Lynn. I will.” Junior smiles affably at her.
“Wait! Junior what’s your new address? You forgot to write it down for us.” I suddenly burst out.
“Oh, I did? Uh, does anyone have a pen and paper?” he asks. I see everyone digging around looking for the items. Trace comes up with a piece of paper and hands it to us. Soon, Justin pulls out a pen from his pocket and hands it over to his son.
“Alright.” Junior begins to write the address down but stops when I see the ink fade out. Shaking the pen vigorously, he fights to get the ink out of it to continue his task at hand. “Dad! This thing isn’t working. It’s out of ink or something.” Junior groans already irritated. Still trying to write out the address, he finally gives up. “Does anyone else have a pen? I really need to get going.”
Sadly, he receives a series of ‘no’. “Fine, I guess I’ll just have to call when I get there and give you all the address. Sorry Mom.” He laments and I shake my head understandably.
“It’s ok sweetie.” Leaning forward, I place a kiss on his cheek and he grins excitedly for me and his father. He’s really been looking forward to college and starting his life out on his own.
“Bye everyone!” Junior waves as he walks over to the Mercedes, hoping into the driver’s seat with his best friend Lennox on the passenger side.
And suddenly, I feel like bawling again. Losing a child is never easy. But losing two is even harder. I dealt better with Jaida when she went off to college last year for some reason because she was older. Junior is my baby. He’s my little boy and will always be no matter how old he gets. Holding unto Justin for support, everyone watches in silence as my baby brings our Mercedes to life, speeding down the driveway and out the gates of our estate. The last thing I hear is a honk of the horn before he’s completely out of sight.
Exhaling loudly, I grip unto Justin’s arm as everyone else makes their way into the house.
It’s just the two of us now, still standing in the driveway staring off into the distance.
“You’ll be ok baby. Don’t worry about it. We raised a good kid.” Justin rubs my back comfortingly and I just look at him and smile weakly.
“You know, I thought it would be easy seeing as this is the second child we’re losing. But it’s still hard. Besides, I really loved that car. I’m going to miss all the times you and I shared in that car and our ritual Friday escapades. It just won’t be the same with any other vehicle.” I explain.
“I know babe. I know, but we can make new memories with another ride. There are two more left in the garage you know.” He grins down at me.
“I know, but it’s not even only that Justy. We didn’t just lose a great car. We lost our son. And he lost his dog. Everyone is just separated. I feel like I broke up with my own son.” I muse sadly.
“Well it has to be that way. Technically we did. He’s growing up. This is a new stage in his life and sadly he has to do it on his own. Junior’s growing up Camilla. We did well with him and Jaida. Now it’s their turn to take care of themselves.” Justin pulls me along with him to the garage. Hitting the switch, the garage doors slowly rise up until all the vehicles come into view.
“I guess you’re right. I love you Justy.” I lean up and kiss my husband sweetly on his lips.
“And I love you too Lila. Now, since we had to say goodbye to yet another ride and all the wonderful experiences we shared with it, what do you say about picking out a new one? You can choose between the Hummer and BMW M6.” Walking over to the keys mounted up on the wall, Justin grabs them both and makes his way over to me.
“Hmm…” I dart my eyes between the two cars, then I look down at my growing belly. Rubbing it softly I smirk. “Which one do you think this little one inside my tummy will want?” I ask, looking up into my husband’s blues.
“Well, if it’s a boy, the hummer. If it’s a girl, the BMW. But by that time, he or she will have more to chose from. I promise this next one will be just us.” He coos, rubbing my tummy and bending down to place a kiss on my slightly bulging stomach.
“Ok!” I smile brightly. “In that case, I pick the black BMW. But you know the rules. We need to build a whole new set of memories and traditions with this one.” I reason.
“Of course I know Lila.” Justin chuckles. “God, we’re so weird.” He laughs even harder.
“Na, we just have a weird hobby that’s all. It’s different. Besides it spices things up.” I laugh along with him.
“Yeah it does. If I’m not mistaken, our new addition to the family that’s growing in your belly was conceived in the Mercedes.” Justin wiggles his eyebrows at me suggestively and I smack his arm.
“Ha! You’re right. And Junior was conceived in the Cadillac I owned years ago.” I supply.
“And Jaida was in my Lexus from back in the day.” Justin animatedly adds.
“Wow, we really are weird freaks.” I laugh out, as I press the alarm button on the key chain, unlocking the doors to the BMW.
“Na, we just have weird sexual appetites. It’s different.” He mocks me and I just scoff.
“Whatever Justy. How about we take this one out for a spin and begin building a whole new relationship with her? Our kids are having a blast with their rides so we should do the same.” I suggest.
“Damn woman, you bounce back quickly. Remind me to never divorce you.” Justin quips, walking over to the drivers side of the ride.
“Har, har…so funny.” I state not amused.
Justin hops into the driver’s seat and I toss him the keys before I get into the passenger’s side. Seconds later he brings the car to life and backs out of the garage and into the driveway.
“So, Mrs. Timberlake where shall we begin this new adventure?” Justin enquires, looking over at me.
“I don’t know Mr. Timberlake. The beach seems like a good place to start. We haven’t explored that option yet.”
“Oh, the beach at night eh? That’s hot. You’re giving me ideas.” He laughs, pressing the accelerator to move down the driveway.
“You’re so corrupted! But hey, it does sound kind of hot. Come on, step on it. Let’s go.” I lean forward and switch on the radio skipping the Slow Jamz station. That was our time with Mercedes. It’s over now. Tuning into one of the R&B stations, I crank up the volume as Justin speeds out of our estate gates and down the streets of our quiet neighborhood.
Resting back in my seat, I sigh at the thought of my children. I wish I could hold unto them but I can’t. I miss them terribly.
Rubbing my hand, Justin steals glances at me when I turn silent. “Goodbyes are never easy Camilla. I miss them too you know Lila.”
“Yeah but I feel like this is the longest goodbye I’ve ever had to endure.” I explain downheartedly.
“Well don’t hold your breath too long. It’s not over yet. It’s going to be a little bit longer when number three comes into this world and grows up to an age where we are no longer needed.” Justin refers to the baby I’m carrying and I know he’s right. It’s not over yet. Not by a long shot.
“I know Justy. I know. But with every hello, a goodbye follows.” I sigh.
Nodding his head, Justin remains silent, switching lanes and getting unto the freeway. “True, but with every goodbye a hello is sure to follow. It’s the cycle of life. Sometimes, you need to lose something or someone in order to gain something or someone else. So it’s not all bad.”
“True, that’s why I love you so much. I married a wise man.” I coo, stretching over to kiss his cheek as he continues to drive us to our destination.
“And I thought you only married me for my body.” Justin jokes. “But there is one more thing we need to break off in order to make this a whole new experience that will last Camilla.”
“What?” I ask curiously.
“No more conceiving babies in the car.” Justin busts out in a fit of laughter.
“How about no more kids all together? Let this one be the last. So we won’t have to suffer through anymore breakups or goodbyes.” I suggest.
“Well, I…I guess I could go along with that. We’re kind of getting old.” He wisecracks.
“True, but we had Jaida and Junior at a young age. So we’re only in our late thirties now. We’re not that old. Yet.” I enforce.
“Ok, you win. But just so you know, we have a deal. No more goodbyes. This next one will be the last. Our baby boy or girl will be the last. No more break-ups with our children.” Skimming his hands over my stomach, both Justin and I remain silent for the rest of the drive.
Nothing else needs to be said really. There’s a mutual understanding between us that I’m just going to relish in. As much as I agree that this next goodbye will be the last, I know it’s going to be another strenuous one. But that’s for another stage in life.
Right now, at this very second, I’m just excited to be here with my husband. Yes, this is perfect. This is how things should always be – us living in the moment.
And, as I look out at the bright lights of the city in awe, I can’t help but anticipate the future of new possibilities and adventures that await us.
*The End*
