Summary: Justin Timberlake hated the entertainment industry for what it did to him mentally. He hated who he became because of it….He hated the fake, shallow, self-centered people that surrounded him on a regular basis. But, most importantly he hated the fame and lack of privacy. There was always someone gnawing at him, ripping thread by thread, peeling away at his sanity…
Contains: Angst, Romance
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“Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.”
“So Justin, what’s the love life like? I’m sure everyone wants to know…with you being off the market and all. We were all surprised when you decided to settle down again so quickly; Especially after that nasty public break up with Jessica Beil.”
Justin shifted uncomfortably in his seat as his gaze fell unto the crowd of many curious faces. There was no way he’d answer that question. Gulping down hard, he fought the urge to snap at the mouth with his response. Everyone always wanted something from him. Everyone was always up in his business. He successfully trained himself to give ‘robotic responses’ to those types of questions. But, his patience was slowly wearing thin. He was at the peak of his breaking point.
Justin hated this routine of interviews, talk shows and anything that allowed people to bombard him with questions that weren’t their business to begin with. He hated the entertainment industry for what it did to him mentally. He hated who he became because of it. He hated the constant demand for him to be continuously working, always expecting to come up with something new. He hated the fake, shallow, self-centered people that surrounded him on a regular basis. But, most importantly he hated the fame and lack of privacy. There was always someone gnawing at him, ripping thread by thread, peeling away at his sanity.
The only thing that kept him going was the love and support of his fans. He owed them his life, his fame, his career. They made him. They were all he truly had because he was estranged from his family and friends. He shut everyone out. He couldn’t take it anymore. The life of glitz and glamour finally caught up to him after all those years in the business. The pressure was overbearing. He was overwhelmed. He was losing his mind. He was suffering. He was weak. He was anything but the ‘put together’ star that the public viewed gracing every magazine and television screen with his ‘thousand watt’ smile.
“Well, Oprah…” He began, trailing off momentarily when he locked eyes with the middle-aged, African American woman. “It’s like I always say, never let a good thing pass you by. Yes, the way Jessica and I broke up was anything but pretty. I found out she cheated on me, so I did the same to her. I know it’s not the best way to solve a situation and I agree that I was irrational but I’m human. People make mistakes.” He reasoned while Oprah nodded her head as the crowd ‘awed’ at his statement. He fought the urge to roll his eyes. These people didn’t care about him…they didn’t know the first thing about how messed up he really was. They just looked for the first fucking rumor to run with it.
“I see, but after your many mishaps, why with Britney, Cameron and now Jessica as well as other women in between, what possessed you to finally pop the question to your current girlfriend whom you’ve only been with for seven months?” Oprah inquired, curious about his response.
A small smile played on Justin’s features. He respected Oprah so he would never be rude to her. Besides, how could he? His now fiancé wasn’t only in his life for seven months. She was there a lot longer than that. Shit, she was there even before Britney. But that’s a part of his life he’d never share with the world. He’ll never give them the pleasure of knowing that he grew up with this woman back in his hometown of Shelby forest in Memphis, Tennessee. He would never put her in the spotlight like that. He loved her too much.
“Well Oprah…” He began yet again bouncing his knees up and down as he fiddled with the hem of his white long-sleeved button-down shirt. He didn’t know why she asked so many personal questions. She called him unto the show to discuss his new project he was working on with a few new artists signed to his label. They were going to team up and do a tribute to all the famous, influential artists and performers that ‘passed away’ at the Grammies. It was going to be a memorable, reflective moment. However, after that discussion was over, Oprah had to drop the same bomb that was fired at him for the past month when he announced his engagement to the ‘world’. He felt like he was under attack and fought his own personal world war III battles within himself.
“I guess it comes down to knowing when you’ve found the right person. In my case I have no doubt that I have. She’s everything I could ever ask for and more. I know I’m making the right choice, and the moment she said she’d have my hand in marriage I knew we’d always be together. I guess you have to be with a few wrong persons before the right one comes along…”
****
Ann-Marie Pearlman was his first crush, his first kiss and his first girlfriend. Well, if you wanted to call a seven and six-year-old boyfriend and girlfriend. They displayed it the best way they could since they were too young to even understand the concept. They held hands; they always played together; she spent more time at his home than at her own home. They were always hanging out together in school along with Trace. Everything was perfect since they were young naive children. That’s when life was easy. That’s when life was bearable and worth living. Justin missed his childhood dearly…
But then he grew up, and he got the MMC gig, and he left. He left her and everything he held dear behind to pursue his lifelong dream. That’s when his life began to change. That’s when he knew things would never be the same again.
But, as fate would have it, they met up again, years later and fully grown. He went home to visit family and friends and he bounced into her at their local dairy mart. He was stunned, shocked and in awe. She was radiant. She was breathtaking, and he finally understood why they were such good friends when they were young. Her personality, smile, talk, walk…everything about her was innocent, caring, loving and a breath of fresh air for him from the life he was living.
And that’s where it all began again. They reconciled their long lost friendship and began seeing each other until things got serious, soon after his break up with Jessica. He fell in love with her the day he saw her in that store. He knew he did, and he knew he would never allow her to walk out of his life again. He also vowed to never walk out of hers either. And the rest was history…
Kicking the doors to his mansion open, Justin waved ‘bye’ to his bodyguards, before they sped off down his driveway.
Home.
It was his last strand of sanity. It was his sanctuary. Yet, he spent so much time away he wasn’t sure where home was anymore. He needed a way out. He needed to get away but he had too many responsibilities to drop everything and leave.
Home.
His home was back in good ole Memphis. That’s where his heart was. At his childhood home. Not the lavish mansions his money allowed him to buy. Home was with his mother, family, friends, and her. His sweet, innocent Ann. He missed her. He wanted her here with him. He needed her here with him. He wished she’d just move out here with him but she didn’t want to leave her teaching job back home. Not until they got married. She felt obliged to her students. And he always respected her wishes about that. But, he’d make sure she never had to work a day in her life, because he loved her and would give the world to her if she’d let him.
Looking around his large estate, Justin sighed heavily, finally shutting the door. The minute he turned the lock and it clicked, he fell to his knees, breathing heavily, gasping for any available air. The air wasn’t filling his lungs fast enough. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. He was hyperventilating. But why? Why was he allowing all this to get to him? After all those years why?
He didn’t know. He needed to figure it out and soon.
“Oh my god…what’s happening to me?” He cried out in agony, forcing himself to his feet and staggering into the kitchen. Swinging the refrigerator door open, he pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels. He gazed intently at the alcohol percentage on the bottle: 40%. It wasn’t strong enough. He needed something stronger. He needed to numb the pain. He wanted one shot to do the trick. Discarding the bottle, he went over to his cabinet. Gazing at his various choices, he tried to decide on one that would work for him. Then it hit him. His eyes zoomed in on the bottle that contained the clear lethal liquid. He scanned the contents: Everclear – alcohol percentage 95%.
Perfect!
Grabbing the bottle, he pulled out a glass, loaded it with ice, and poured the strong substance into the glass. Finally taking a sip, he moaned with pleasure. But it wasn’t working. It wasn’t enough. The pain was still there. He needed more. More alcohol would do the trick.
Before he knew it, half the bottle was done, and Justin was all but sober and fully coherent. His mind was spinning, his head was dizzy, he felt numb, his eyes were burning and he felt sick to his stomach but the pain was still there!
“Damn it! Fuck!” He cursed, hurling the bottle with rage and watching as it shattered into a million pieces against his kitchen wall.
“This shit doesn’t work!” He wailed again, this time dropping the glass and not caring that it shattered around his feet, cutting his skin lightly.
He bowed his head, and he seemed mesmerized by the light red substance seeping through his white socks close to his ankle.
“Just great! Just fucking fantastic!” Justin screamed at the top of his lungs. Would it be too much to ask to end his life now? Some people thought he had it all, but he didn’t. He needed her damn it! Why wasn’t she here?
“I hate this! I fucking hate them all!” He slurred. He fought to keep his balance as he ambled into his living room. “Fuck them all!” He muttered, plopping down on his couch and staring at his blank television screen. He had enough of this life. Of the people in his life. He just wanted to take Ann-Marie and disappear away from it all. He just wanted a break to regain his composure.
“Shit…I’m so pathetic.” He breathed out, feeling his panic attack coming back in full blast. Only, this time, the tears flowed freely. He couldn’t feel them. He knew they were falling because he tasted their saltiness on his lips, but he couldn’t feel them. “I’m so fucking pathetic.” He mumbled yet again, placing his face in his hands as his body trembled like an earthquake. He felt broken. He felt alone. So, he cried. He cried like a damn baby. He cried like the pathetic loser he was. How could she love him? How could she love someone as messed up as him? Maybe he was just fooling himself…
“I hate my life…” He finally growled after what seemed like ages, suddenly feeling a delicate touch on his shoulder.
Jumping with fright, Justin turned around, half-shocked and half in awe.
“Wha…what?” He asked stunned stupid.
“Justin? Are you ok? What’s wrong baby?”
“What? Marie?” He whispered shocked that his better half was standing behind his couch, staring at him with worried eyes. How he loved those beautiful green eyes. They were hypnotizing.
“Yes?” She smiled brightly but then frowned when she saw his bloodshot eyes. “Were you crying?” She enquired nervously. She always worried about him. She loved that man more than life itself. It pained her to see him so weak.
“How? What are you doing here?” Justin asked, but he never budged from his spot. He didn’t want her to see him like this.
“I took some time off from work so I decided to surprise you. When I came no one was home so I let myself in with the spare key you gave me. I was waiting upstairs for you, but then I heard a noise down here so I came to investigate.” She grinned yet again, walking around the couch and taking a seat next to him. “What’s wrong Justin?”
Justin couldn’t believe she was actually there. He blinked slowly, hoping that the amount of alcohol he consumed wasn’t causing him to hallucinate. How could his prayers be answered that quickly? But he knew she was real. She had to be. He tried to memorize every feature of her smooth olive skin. Her long dark hair was always exotic and whenever he passed his fingers through it, it felt like smooth silk. Her body was curvaceous and he just couldn’t keep his hands off her. She wasn’t skinny, but she wasn’t fat either. She was average for her 5’6 frame. He just loved every inch of her. And she was actually there. He felt his heart swell with love for this woman. Heaven forbid she ever hurt or destroyed him in any way. His life would be over for sure if she did. But she wouldn’t. He knew she wouldn’t, and that made him love her even more…if that was even possible.
“I can’t believe you’re actually here.” He spoke in a small voice. He felt drained and just needed to sleep.
“I’ve missed you. Of course I’m here silly. But I’m worried about you. Tell me what’s wrong Justin.” Leaning forward, Ann-Marie sniffed him a few times before she crinkled her nose in disgust. “You’ve been drinking? Why baby? Talk to me.” She placed her small hand on his face softly, causing Justin to shut his eyes as he inhaled deeply. Even her simplest touch would set him on fire. He needed her now more than ever. He needed to feel her. He needed to express just how much he loved and missed her. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t be separated from her for lengthy periods of time anymore.
“I…I…” He choked up. He hated that fact that she saw him in his worst times. But who else could he express his pain to? Who else would better understand him? “I’m sorry I…god why is this so hard!” He belted through agitation.
“Take your time babe. I’m here for you.” She cooed, rubbing his arm soothingly.
That one loving expression broke him down. He couldn’t hold it in any longer. He was done keeping everything inside. So he let it all out. In front of her. He hoped she wouldn’t think that he was a freak. She couldn’t leave him. He’d die if she did.
“I…I hate it! I despise them all!” He sobbed, finally gripping unto her waist and pulling her against his chest. He buried his head in the crook of her neck and sobbed like there was no tomorrow. “I fucking…I…oh god. I can’t keep doing this anymore.” He groaned, suddenly gasping for air.
“Shhhh…It’s ok. Who’s them and what can’t you do?” Ann-Marie rubbed her hands up and down his back, fighting back her own tears.
“Everyone! Hollywood! The entertainment industry! This whole life! This whole career! I fucking despise them all!” He yelled through choppy breaths.
“Ok Justin. Relax for me baby. Breathe sweetie. Just breathe and let it out.”
“No! I need a drink!” Forcefully pulling away from her he stood to leave, but she gripped his hand tightly.
Shooting her a death glare, Ann-Marie built up enough courage to stand and face him. “Justin listen to me! Drinking will not solve your problems. Now I’m here for you. Just talk to me. I’ll help the best way I can. You’re shutting everyone out! We can’t help you if you keep doing that. We love you Justin. Me, your mom, your family and friends. You’re not alone in this. We’re here for you. Please, just….just talk to me. Don’t drink yourself into oblivion. By your dilated eyes I can tell you’re halfway there.” Ann-Marie pleaded with him. She was scared…no terrified of what his depression was doing to him.
He changed so much over the years, yet he still remained the goofy, curly haired boy from next door. The same little boy who always brought her green apple lollipops everyday at school when he found out they were her favorite. She knew back then they were always going to be a part of each other’s lives. So, she was going to stick around to the bitter end…till death do they part. But she’d be damned if she allowed him to end it all over something that could be avoided.
“Just…leave me alone.” He scowled, rubbing at his tear stained cheeks.
“I think you just need to rest. We can catch up later.” Ann-Marie suggested, gripping his hands softly.
Locking eyes with her, his blues twinkled with regret. “Shit Marie, I’ve missed you so much! I hate when you’re not around. You have no idea how much I need you here with me.” He explained.
“I know. And I’m here now.” She caressed his cheeks lovingly.
Inhaling sharply, he shut his eyes tightly, pulling her towards him. He craved her touch and her warmth. He never wanted them to be separated like this. He loved her endlessly. His anxiety attacks were draining. She was the only one who could heal him. She was the only one with the remedy he needed and he needed some tender loving and care now. He was desperate to feel her.
Staring knowingly at Justin, Marie released a shy smile. She knew what was on his mind. She always knew. His breathing would always deepen and he’d stare directly into her eyes with a cute, lazy smile on his face.
“I don’t want to rest.” Justin whispered, snaking his hands through her long dark hair. “I’m sorry for yelling at you.” He cooed.
“It’s ok. Just promise me no more alcohol.” She replied in a firm tone.
“I promise.”
“Good, because I happen to think I’m a good fix enough to make you high and satisfied. Don’t you agree?” She giggled and he laughed. He actually laughed and it felt wonderful. He could see the mischief in her eyes and he didn’t hesitate to act on her statement.
“I most certainly agree.” He chortled, gripping unto her arms and pulling her with him up the stairs and into his bedroom.
****
Every time they made love it always felt like their first time. This time was no different. It was always magical and emotional and every time was a new experience. Ann-Marie made Justin feel things he never knew existed in this world. She knew how to make him surrender to her…something no woman has ever been able to do. And, he loved it.
Touching her was amazing; and he was enchanted with the way her skin felt as smooth as velvet, or the way her lips were cushiony soft. He loved kissing her. Every kiss was sensational and mind blowing. But most of all he relished…delved in their skin to skin contact. Justin lived for the sweat glistening on both their bodies as he’d kiss his sweet Marie into submission, slowly first on the lips and then he’d work his way down exploring every curve, nook and cranny of her beautiful goddess body. She always shivered, anticipating his next move and he’d never disappoint. He still remained unpredictable to her and she loved it. She knew how to work her way around his body too. She found mostly all his sensitive spots that would either make him shiver, jump, tremble or a mixture of all. She took the time out to please him just as he would please her. They were always on a high level of elated bliss together. They were perfect together.
But, the one thing Justin loved more than everything combined was the exact moment her would swiftly slide into her warm, moist depths filling her completely. She always shuddered, gripping unto his shoulders for support and he’d always take his time, working both of them for hours, switching positions and loving the sound of her soft moans, before he worked them to their climax. It was all a bitter sweet serenity for him. She took it all away. She was all he needed to get by. She was all he needed to forget the stress of his everyday life. She was his healing supplement and he loved her for it. He honestly had it bad.
He was sprung and he wasn’t afraid to admit it.
After every love making session, they’d lie, curled up in each other’s arms, listening to each other’s breathing patterns and heartbeats. Justin would always brush a few strands out of Marie’s face and kiss her forehead delicately. It was a symbol of protection, comfort and adoration for the wonderful woman she was with and without him.
But this time was different…
He couldn’t quite place it, but as his blues connected to her green orbs while they lay in bed, completely nude with the comforter as their only barrier, she was fading. He reached out for her but his hands passed right through her. Panic surged through his system as he called out to her but she kept disappearing in front of him and he couldn’t hold on. He, he couldn’t stop her from leaving. He, he couldn’t breathe. Oh my god, he was having an attack again…she was…she was gone…
And suddenly everything went black in his world…..
“Fuck!” Justin yelled, shooting up in cold sweat and grasping his chest, fighting to breathe normally.
Blinking a few times to clear his blurred vision, he looked around the deathly quiet mansion realizing that he was lying on his couch. He’d fallen asleep. Maybe for hours. It looked dark out.
A dream? That’s all it was? A damn dream?! She was still gone? She was still back home in Tennessee while he was stuck here…alone? He suddenly began to hate his life again. The stupid alcohol didn’t work. It only made everything worse! His head was hurting and he forcefully pushed himself off the couch. Standing on shaky legs, he gazed at his reflection in the living room mirror. Why did he even put a mirror in there in the first place? He needed to take it out. He looked a mess.
But, all that was forgotten when he realized that maybe what he needed was a drug fix to mix with the high levels of alcohol in his system. He’d be numb for sure. But he hadn’t done drugs in years. How would he get his hands on any? While contemplating on any possible way or substitute he could use to help him knock out cold and sleep this day away, he heard his door bell.
“Who the hell is that?” Justin hissed, rubbing at his light stubble. Tugging on his shirt and rubbing his hands over his jeans clad thighs, he ambled to the front door. He despised every time he had to swing that barrier open, exposing him to the outside world. If it was left to him, he’d hide inside his home behind the comfort of his door until he overcame his rut. But he knew the cause of it now. He finally figured it out. It was her. He was scared shitless of marrying her and being a husband and starting a family with her. He loved her. But he wasn’t so sure he could handle a career and a family of his own. He didn’t want his wife and children in the spotlight and always up on a chopping block. He’d chop a few heads off himself if they ever messed with his future family. It all made sense now. He needed her to take it away. He needed Ann-Marie to tell him everything would be ok and that they were making the right choices…but she wasn’t there…and he hated being alone.
Finally unlocking the door and swinging it open, Justin’s eyes grew wide but he said nothing and he didn’t budge. He wasn’t sure if this was real or not. For all he knew he could still be sleeping.
‘”Surprise!” Ann-Marie beamed, dropping her luggage and lunging into Justin’s arms, but he didn’t respond. He just stood there. He wasn’t sure if she was a hallucination. He was still buzzed and there is a saying that states if you want something bad enough it tends to manifest. But he could smell her vanilla sent. And he could feel her body heat. And he knew…he wasn’t dreaming this time. She was real, and she was standing on his doorstep in his arms, wearing that cute yellow dress he liked so much.
Hugging never felt so good before in his life, and he finally latched his arms around her slender waist.
“Baby?” Justin cooed, finally breaking their embrace to take a good look at her. Her hair was shorter and her olive tone was darker, but she was still his precious Ann-Marie.
“Yes. I missed you Justin. So much! I had to come see you. I hate being apart like this. I love you. And I missed you and I’m here to stay. I can’t have us apart like this. I’m sorry. I quit my job and flew out here.” She smiled shyly and Justin could have sworn he heard the halleluiah chorus.
“Really? That’s so…” He didn’t know what to say really. He was on his own level of contentment right now. Responding the only way he knew how, he leaned down and kissed her, slow, passionate and with longing. She responded instantly with her arms around his neck for support.
But, when they pulled away she furrowed her brows at him.
“Babe. You’ve been drinking…again. Listen I’m here now. So, whatever is troubling you, we are going to sit and talk about it ok?” She stated and he nodded his head in agreement. “Good, now promise me no more alcohol.” Marie warned with a death glare. “Else I’m leaving.” She threatened even if she knew she would never leave him. Justin was her other half. She needed him to function fully. She wasn’t going any where.
Feeling a case of déjà vu from his dream, Justin smiled brightly at her, grabbing her suit cases in hand. “Ok. I promise. I love you.” He grinned brightly before he turned to make one last statement. “Besides, I happen to think you’re a good fix enough to make me high and satisfied. Don’t you agree?” He winked at her and she giggled with relief, slapping his shoulders lightly.
“You are truly something Justin. Ha! I love you too. And, I agree. But, the same goes for you.” She flirted, hearing him laugh out loud as he lead her into the house kicking the door shut in the process…once again separating ‘them’ from the outside world…
*THE END*
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Quote by: Arthur Somers
